Home Visit #2

I have not felt this relieved in many months.

We had our second home visit this morning.  I woke up anxious and nervous.  I was worried, not about what our adoption counselor would say about our house, but rather what she would have to say about where we are in the process and what comes next for us.  I was nervous to show her our finished books and to hand her all of the remaining items that we had ready for her.  I was nervous she would have a problem with something or that she would make just one last suggestion.

Anyway, she arrived and sat down with us in the living room.  She went through why she was there and then basically asked us if we had any questions.  I decided that this would be a good time to tell her that we had everything ready to be done with the process.  I had conveniently placed a pile of things on our dining room table.  It was everything that we needed to hand her.  I brought over the five copies of our long profile books, an envelope containing the thirteen copies of our short letters, the last check that we need to give in order to be put on the wait list, and an envelope with the things that are needed for our online profile.  I brought everything over to her and I think it made a big impact.  As soon as I gave it all to her, she told us that when she brought the finished home study report to her supervisor TODAY, she would tell her that while she had not been ready in time, we were completely ready to go.  She then said that we would be on the wait list as soon as the end of this week!  Now, to me that means that perhaps in two weeks we will be on the wait list, but either way, I am beyond excited.

The best part is that she asked if she could look through our book and letter and SHE LOVED THEM!!! She said that the long profile book was fantastic and she was thrilled with the way everything turned out.  I was so happy that we decided not to wait any longer for her approval.  We knew that we had a good profile and I was so glad that we trusted our guts and just went ahead and got everything finished.

After that, she wanted to take a quick walk around the house and that is exactly what she did.  She didn't ask about anything, didn't even make us test the smoke detectors this time.  And then she left.  For this first time, I felt really good after meeting with her.  I felt hopeful that this phase of the process was coming to an end.  I felt excited at the thought that we would soon be on the wait list.

So now we wait. Hopefully, just a little bit longer.  She is supposed to send us a draft of the finished report tonight and then we just have to approve it and we will be one step closer.  I hope to have the good news soon that we are on the wait list.  The best feeling right now is that there is nothing else that we have to get done.  There are no items left on the checklist. Nothing left to finish.  So please keep your fingers crossed and hope that soon this phase of our adoption journey will come to a close.

One More Time...

And so the saga continues...

Today Carla had knee surgery. I was sitting in the waiting room and my cell phone rang. I let it go through to voicemail as I wasn't too keen on dealing with anything until Carla was out of surgery. However, as soon as I listened to the voicemail and heard that it was from our adoption counselor, I knew I had to call her immediately. I felt like if I didn't call soon, who knows when I would next be able to get a hold of her.

So I went outside and called her back. I should have known to expect something, but this (on top of the fact that I was in the middle of waiting for Carla to finish surgery) almost pushed me over the edge. Our counselor went on to tell me that she still was not finished with our home study report and because she had not finished it within thirty days of the home visit, she was going to have to do ANOTHER home visit. No apology. No real taking of responsibility. She just told me that she would have to come back to the house, because she didn't finish the home study report in time.

Then, to top it off, she told me that since we still weren't done with our profile, this would be a good time to sit down and go over it. So clearly, she had NOT read the email that I sent her which explained that we were indeed finished. So, I explained to her that we were, in fact, done with our profile and that our books would be arriving today (which they did!). I was so happy that we had made the decision to just be done, because I truly believe that at this point, she is just using our unfinished letter to make it okay that she hasn't finished her stuff yet. I couldn't imagine now waiting for her to give us even more feedback and then making more changes.

So, we now have another home visit scheduled for early Monday morning. Now as Carla recovers from knee surgery, we have to worry about getting the house ready for another visit. Now that we are so ready to be finished with all of this, we have to wait for another home visit. It is getting harder to accept this as just part of the process. But we feel so stuck because we don't want to say anything that will make her think poorly of us and we don't want to do anything that will make this process take any longer.

I managed to sound upbeat on the phone and I believe that I was able to hide much of my frustration from her. Part of me wants her to know how frustrated I am, but the other part of me just wants to be done and I feel like if I can just keep us moving, that will be the fastest way to get done with this part of the process. I then walked back into the waiting room, texted my sister, and sat alone stewing over the conversation.

I told myself that I couldn't bother Carla with this right away. She was coming out of surgery and anesthetic after all. But, in typical Jess fashion, as soon as they let me back to see her and I saw that she was still in one piece, I tried to tell her about the conversation I had with our counselor. There she is, under heavy medication, with an IV still in her arm, and I am trying to explain to her my newest frustration. After listening the best she could and trying to tell me it would be okay, she said, "Jess, they are monitoring my heart rate and blood pressure, I don't think I can talk about this anymore." Point well taken.

So we are now back home. Carla is doing well. I am a bit calmer. Our new home visit is scheduled. My plan is to have EVERYTHING ready to give to our counselor when we see her on Monday. I will have our final check ready, the books with our long profile, the shorter letters, and all the stuff for the online profile. I will hand it all to her and hopefully, hopefully, soon we will be on the wait list.

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How's the adoption process going?

It seems as if I have been getting lots of questions lately about how everything is going.  Maybe it's because the last thing that anyone heard was that we had the awful feedback meeting with the adoption counselor.  Maybe it's because I haven't written anything in about a month.  Or maybe, just maybe, it's because people just truly care and wonder what has been going on.

So, in short, we are still trying to wrap up the last of the paperwork.  We have turned in all of the forms that were needed to complete the home study.  Well, at least all of the forms that we know of.  It does seem that every time we think we are done with forms, there seems to be just one more form that we didn't know about.  But, hopefully they really are all in.  We are waiting for our adoption counselor to finish writing up the report of our home study and home visit.  And then finally, we have to make the finishing touches on our profile and shorter letter.

We received a second round of feedback from our counselor after we made some changes that took her initial feedback into consideration, but that still allowed us to keep the feel of our profile how we wanted it.  The second round of feedback was MUCH easier to take and there were parts of it that were even really helpful.  So, now we just have to make those final changes.  After that, we have decided that we are just going to be done.  We could do this forever.  We could make changes in what we have written until the end of time and we would still be able to find more things to change.  At some point, we just have to be done with it and we are VERY close to that point.  We are happy with it and we think it gives a good portrait of who we are.  And that is good enough for us.  So we will make some final changes, order the books, and print out the letters.  Then, as soon as we have our final approval, we will be ready to go on the waiting list.

It has started to get more and more real as we are nearing an end to the paperwork stage.  I am eagerly awaiting the day we are officially waiting.  I am happy that we will be done sometime soon after my summer break starts.  The thought of waiting doesn't seem too bad at the moment.  I know that I will feel differently as time goes by, but right now, I am anxious to be done with the checklist and done with all the things that we need to do.

I never could have imagined all that would go into this phase of the adoption.  People said that it was grueling, but I just couldn't have known.  It has been a powerful experience.  I feel closer to Carla than ever before.  I feel prepared for what lays ahead of us.  I feel as if we have thought through so many important issues.  And most of all, I feel confident that we are doing the right thing, in the right way, at the exact right time.  And that's not a bad way to feel!

Unexpected Bumps

So there has been some silence since the home visit.

Let me begin by saying that our home passed all inspection.  Frankie, miraculously, was on excellent behavior and spent most of the visit chewing happily on her treat ball.  All the things that I could have thought to worry about turned out to be not a worry at all.  Our adoption counselor loved our home and all the fire safety items that we have put into place seem to have done their jobs.

That was the good stuff.

What I didn't know to worry about was what turned out to be the most stressful part of our process thus far.  Several months ago, we sent our adoption counselor a draft of our profile/dear birthparent letter.  We never heard back from her about it and we assumed that all was good.  So we began putting the profile into a book on Shutterfly.  We spent hours arranging the text and pictures until they were exactly where we wanted them.  We shared our profile with friends and family and felt incredibly proud of what we had done.  We felt that it so very accurately reflected who we are as a couple and we happy with it.  We even ordered one copy of the book to make sure that it looked good.  In our minds, we were done.  One more thing to cross off the list.

Well, apparently we are not quite done.  When our adoption counselor arrived at our home, we all sat together at the dining room table and we went through some of our paperwork.  After going through a few forms, she took out our profile draft that we had sent her and told us that she wanted to go through it with us.  For the next thirty minutes (or so) she proceeded to tell us all of the many things that were wrong with the letter.  Seriously, she said not one positive thing about our profile, but instead went paragraph by paragraph explaining what we had done wrong.  Her overall message seemed to be that we sounded too happy.  Truly.  She actually said that our letter was too upbeat.  She suggested that we want to focus on some of the struggles we have been through and also talk about our parenting ideals.  To be honest, there were things that she said that made a lot of sense.  However, there was just too much criticism to really be that effective.  It is not that she was criticizing our writing, it was almost as if she was telling us that we should portray ourselves as something that we are not.  She wanted us to focus on our struggles and we want to focus on all the good that is in our lives.  That is who we are.

As I sat there listening and taking notes and trying not to cry, I reassured myself that it couldn't possibly be as bad as I thought.  I am notorious for not taking criticism well, even in its most constructive state.  I figured that when all of this was over, Carla would tell me it wasn't as bad as I thought. Nope.  Turns out that Carla was just as annoyed as I was.  We both couldn't believe that this woman had our draft for three months and was only now saying anything to us.

Our adoption counselor finally stopped.  We finished the home visit.  She left and Carla and I went off to drown our sorrows in milkshakes and margaritas.  I got some wonderful advice from my mother (thanks mom) and we both decided we needed to just put the letter away for a while.

I now have a few days of distance from the whole thing.  I can now think more clearly and rationally about the whole thing.  Carla and I have both decided that THE most important thing for us is that our letter accurately portrays who we are.  We hope that our adoption counselor likes our letter and we will make some changes to ensure that happens, but more than anything we need to be who we are.  We need our letter to show the real us and we have to know that a birthmother will choose us because of that.

So, we will keep working on the letter.  Our deadline to be on the wait list is no longer the start of May.  Hopefully we will be there by the start of June.  Though we are ready to be done with this phase, we are somewhat at the mercy of our adoption counselor.  She now has to finish our homestudy report (which she has 30 days to complete) and only then can we move onto the waitlist.  So until then, we will continue to work on our profile and fill out the last few remaining pieces of paperwork.  I will try my best to be patient and know that someday we will be done with this and it will be worth it in the end.

A Marathon of Cleaning

Carla and I just had an intense marathon cleaning session to prepare for tomorrow's home visit.  For those of you who don't know, Carla is THE most efficient person I know.  She has the ability to accomplish what would take me hours, in just a few minutes.  So basically, Carla cleaned the entire top floor and vacuumed and mopped all the floors on the bottom floor while I cleaned the basement floors and the kitchen.  I know it sounds really unfair, but for every ounce of efficiency that Carla has, I have an equal ounce of inefficiency.  But now the house is clean and I suppose that is all that matters.

Tomorrow will be the first time that we will have anyone from the adoption agency in our home.  I am nervous.  Mostly about the pup, but having someone in your home like this is just kind of a nerve racking experience.  I know things will go well, but until it is over, I will just be a bit on edge.

So think of us tomorrow at 4:00.  I will let you know how it goes!

Gay Penguins and the First Hints of Anxiety

What a week! It truly feels as if this is the first chance that I have had to sit down and write about the many adoption-related thoughts and emotions that have been whirling around my head and heart this week.

I will start with the good ones.  On Tuesday, I read one of my favorite picture books to my class of fifth graders.  The book is called, And Tango Makes Three and it tells the true story of two male penguins who lived at the Central Park Zoo in New York.  While all the other penguins mated in pairs of one male and one female, these two male penguins wanted to spend their lives with each other.  Upon seeing these two male penguins attempt to sit on and incubate a rock, a kind-hearted zookeeper decided to give these two their own penguin egg.  He took an egg from a pair of penguins who continued to lay two eggs, but was only able to care for one of them and he gave the second egg to the pair of male penguins.  The egg hatches, the baby penguin is born.  They name him Tango and he is raised by the two male penguins.

It is an incredible book and each year, before I read it, I let the kids know that there are a lot of schools in our country who won't allow teachers to read the book.  I then read the story and sit in awe of the children's reaction.  In past years, my heart has been warmed by hearing the comments that the kids make.  Each year, several students talk about how silly they think it is that anyone would have a problem with this book.  And then, they go on to talk about how anyone who loves their child can be a family.

I am always inspired by this interaction with my students, but this year it just meant more.  Amidst our decision to adopt a child, I have often wondered what our child will encounter.  Will people question our family? Will people make comments to our child?  What kinds of hate will we face?  And then here was this group of twenty-one fifth grade students, telling me that it was okay to be any kind of family.  My class doesn't know that Carla and I are beginning the adoption process.  They know that I am gay and they know that Carla and I are married, but I am not sure that even crossed their minds much during this discussion.  Now I realize that not every child feels this way and I also realize that as these children grow up, their kind hearts might be swayed towards harsher sentiments.  But as I sat with my class on Tuesday and heard their comments, I was so hopeful that our child wouldn't grow up in a world as filled with hate as it is today.  My students make me so hopeful for the future.  The fact that picture books like this one even exist makes me hopeful for the future.  The fact that I feel safe to have this conversation with my students without fear of the repercussions it might bring  makes me feel hopeful for the future.  And knowing that there are children whose hearts are so full of love makes me incredibly hopeful for the future.

So that was a good day.

On Wednesday, Carla and I went to another adoption class.  This is our second to last class and it was called "Making Connections."  While all of our other classes have focused on the philosophies of open adoption and building empathy for the birthmothers, this was the first class that dealt with what happens  in the process of matching a birthmother with prospective adoptive parents and what happens once that match has been made.  I sat through much of that class with true pains of anxiety in my chest.  I have to say that these are the first real anxiety pains that I have felt in this process.  I am still not completely sure what led to the anxiety.

I think a piece of it was how real it all started to feel.  So much of our process has been consumed by paperwork and crossing items off of a checklist.  I don't think I have thought all that much about what happens when all the items have been crossed off.  It all of a sudden felt really real.  And while that feeling of realness is incredibly exciting, it is also somewhat terrifying.

Another piece of it has to be my terrible fear of rejection and failure.  Ever since I was young, I hated the thought of being rejected or of failing at something.  I used to convince myself that I had failed tests that I had taken, just to prepare myself for what the results would be.  Even when I knew I had done well, I still prepared myself for the worst because that way I never had to feel disappointed.  I can feel myself doing the same thing now.  I find myself saying things like, "It will be okay if it takes five years to be chosen."  I know that I am just trying to prepare myself so that I don't have to feel those dreaded feelings of disappointment.

And I guess the last piece of it is just the unknown.  Thus far, our adoption counselor has been able to tell us exactly what will happen each step of the process.  Once we are placed on that waiting list however, that all changes.  The control is completely out of our hands and it is hard to be prepared when the possibilities of what could happen are endless.

So all of that was swirling around in my head as we sat there for the two hour class.  As we left, I tried to explain what I was feeling to Carla, but couldn't quite get the words right.  I think I have a better understanding of it now.  But as we left that night, the one thing I knew for certain was how lucky I was to have Carla as my wife.  She is the opposite of me in many ways.  She is so optimistic and I am so incredibly thankful for that.  I can't even imagine what it would be like if we were both the way that I am.  I am thankful to have found someone as strong as she is and someone who is able to balance me so well.  She makes me feel like there is some possible way that we are going to make it through all of this and that at the end we are going to be family of more than just her and me. And for that I am incredibly thankful.

Everyone is Up to Date

In case anyone happened to be wondering, the cats are now legit!  They are both up to date on all their shots and they were both champs at the vet.  No one pooped in their carriers this time and in fact, we found Jellybean sleeping in her new carrier once we got home from the vet.  Real progress.

So that's one more item to check off the list, which brings us down to 11. Yay!

I dropped off a bunch of paperwork at The Cradle this afternoon along with the next check.  I then promptly emailed our counselor to try and schedule our home visit.  I want to make sure that this part gets done before our final class and I figured that means I should try and schedule it now.

I am not so freaked out about the home visit.  I am proud of our home and know that we are good on things like fire stuff (after a fairly large trip to home depot).  I kind of get the sense that mostly they are looking for fire alarms in the right spot and a place for a baby to live.  I already confessed to our counselor that I am nervous about the behavior of our two-year-old lab mix.  Those of you who know Frankie know that she is not the calmest dog you have ever met.  But luckily she has gotten way better in the past few months and has even been allowed to mingle with guests when they come over!  So I am looking forward to getting the home visit schedule because in my mind that gets us one step closer to the end of the paper work stage.

As you might have been able to sense, I am getting antsy about this phase of the process.  I feel like we have been meeting requirements forever now (thought it has only really been five months).  I am ready to be in the waiting pool and let the wait time begin.  Though, I am sure once I am in the waiting pool, I will long for the days when we had some control over how quickly things were going.  Oh my!

I suppose that's it for now.  It's a good thing that I am going back to work on Monday.  Too much time to think only leads to unnecessary worrying!

12 Items and Counting

Well, here I am on spring break.  I mostly have a week full of wonderful nothing planned for my break. So far it has been incredibly delightful.  I feel caught up on things that I have not felt caught up on in a lifetime.  I have had time to see family and friends and enjoy just being home.

After a couple of days of just hanging out, I decided to make today a get things done kind of day.  So this morning, I took out the ole adoption checklist.  Slowly, but surely, we have continued to check items off of the list.  It is amazing how long this initial stage is taking us, but I feel as if with each checked item, we are becoming a bit more prepared for what lies ahead.  I was able to check a few more things off the list today that simply required putting things that we already had into the pile or printing off some things from on-line.  After checking off the newest items, I realized that we are now down to 12 items left on the checklist.  I have no idea how many items we started with, but I can guarantee you that it was a whole lot more than twelve.

Some of the big items left are safety plans for our home, a hand-drawn fire evacuation plan, a health form, and some other items that I have to ask our counselor about because I have no idea what they are.  We are getting there.  We are now enrolled for our last two classes and will be emailing our counselor soon to set-up her home visit.

On Friday we will take care of another big item on the check-list.  We must submit records that show that our pets are up to date on their shots.  For the dog, this is no problem.  She is a good two years ahead of needing more shots.  The cats are another story.  Furby (the little one) is not really a problem as she is up to date and only needs the next round.  Jellybean is kind of a rebel.  She hates the vet.  She hates the vet so much that she is willing to let us know just how unhappy she is by pooping in her crate on the way to the vet.  You get the picture.  Well, on Friday, we are sucking it up and going to the vet.  We have no choice.  Carla and I are both taking the cats as this is most definitely a two person job.  I even brought a brand new cat carrier for the occasion.  I am hoping that this one won't have any traumatic memories associated with it.  I have even put the new carrier out and scattered salmon flavored treats inside, in hopes that will entice her to enter and fall in love with the new carrier.  Sure our bedroom now smells of salmon, but in my eyes that is a small price to pay.  So as of Friday (provided we all make it safely to the vet and back) all of our furry pets will be caught up on their shots and we will have the necessary records to submit to the adoption agency.

It's crazy what we are willing to do to get this home study completed.  I truly don't think that there is anything that they could ask of us that would make me want to stop the process at this point.  So I will keep filling out forms and creating plans to safely evacuate our home in case of a fire and I will do it all knowing that at some point this part will be over and then the waiting will begin.

An Individual Interview

What a day! I just got home from my individual interview with our adoption counselor and since Carla is still at work and I have no one at home to debrief with other than the cats and dog, I figured I would blog about it.

Let me begin by saying that my meeting was scheduled for 4:00 today.  I work about 30 minutes away from the adoption agency and school gets out at 3:15.  Technically, we are not supposed to leave until 3:45, but I took some creative license and excused myself early.  Normally, the last few minutes of the day are not all that stressful and I can get ready to get out when I need to.  Today, however, was a little but more of an adventure.  We walked over to the junior high to be the audience for the dress rehearsal of their musical.  The musical ran late and we had to run the kids back to school and hurriedly get ready for them to get on their busses and go home.  Luckily we made it with minutes to spare, but it was certainly a stressful end to the day.  So I was already a bit harried when getting in my car.  I had about 40 minutes to get to the adoption agency.  And since I can't get anywhere without getting lost, I took a few wrong turns.  So I pulled up to the agency just a few moments early, which to me feels like being late.  Luckily, our counselor was running late so I had a few minutes to do some deep breathing.

It was strange to be at the agency without Carla.  We have gone through every single step of this process as a team and it was weird to be there without her.  I can't say that I was really nervous for the interview, but, as usual, I had no idea what to expect.  Our counselor came out and we went into the same room we have had all of our other meetings in.  It is starting to feel comfortable there.  We spent the next hour and a half talking about a myriad of things.  We covered my childhood, my schooling, what I do for fun, how I take care of myself, religion, beliefs on parenting, and I don't even remember what else.

There was certainly nothing scary about the interview. In fact, most of the conversation was enjoyable.  Every so often though, I thought about how strange it was that I was being asked to explain how I planned to parent when there won't even be a child in my life for quite a while.  I thought about how most people get to formulate their thinking about parenting as they are parenting. There were moments that I just felt unqualified to answer some of the questions she was asking.  I don't know why, but I left with sort of a frustrated feeling.  I am thankful that we have the chance to think about these things now and I know I have to just get it out of my head that there is some right answer that they are looking for.  I am proud of what I have to share about my life and where I have come from and I suppose that needs to be enough.

Carla goes for her interview tomorrow and I am looking forward to hearing her take on it.  She is usually the more positive one about these things and I suppose part of my feelings have to do with the fact that she wasn't there to reassure me that everything went well.  Perhaps tomorrow things will seem different.

One of the big pieces of our talk today was going through where we are in the process and what we have left in the process.  Through our discussion we made a tentative plan to be done with the home study and paperwork by May.  The last class that we will need is on May 5th and so hopefully that will be the last step in this process.  It's good to know that there is an end in sight as this can all feel never ending at times.  I know that we are anxious to be done with this phase and I know that other people in our lives are ready for us to be officially "waiting" as well.  It is nice to know that it will happen soon enough.

Well, I suppose that is it for now.  I am off to take the dog for a long walk and enjoy the nice weather.

A Legal Seminar and A First Draft

Yesterday Carla and I were back at The Cradle for a workshop all about legal issues for same-sex couples. The presenter was a woman who is a lawyer who specialized in adoption and specifically in gay and lesbian adoptions.  She was fascinating.  The first part of the workshop was really just about the legal process of adoption in general.  In Illinois, there is no difference in what we will go through as a lesbian couple and what any straight couple would go through.  The more she talked, the more we realized just how lucky we are to live in Illinois.  In many states, one person would have to do the adopting and the other person would then have to do a second-parent adoption.  In other states, both of our names wouldn't be able to be on the reissued birth certificate.  In many states, I believe she said it was 35 states, there is an amendment to the state constitution or some other law that makes it impossible for gay marriage or even civil unions to be allowed in that state.  Again, we felt very lucky to be living here in Illinois.

The second part of the workshop was about the Civil Union bill and what protections it gives us and what it doesn't give us.  It was nice to hear from a lawyer, definitively, that our marriage license from Vermont is all that we will ever need to be considered to be in a Civil Union here in Illinois.  Carla and I realized that we were one of the first gay couples that the Cradle required to have a civil union before they would consider us for adoption.  Their view is that they wouldn't adopt to a straight couple who wasn't married and therefore, to keep things equal, they will not adopt to gay couples without a civil union.  It is certainly an interesting time.

After the workshop, Carla and I decided it was really time to sit down and work on our Dear Birthmother letter.  We decided to start with the long profile which is supposed to show who we are and the things about our lives that will make us a great choice for a birthmother to choose.  It was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to write.  But we did it! We now have a first draft of our text.  We even have pictures picked out to go along with what we have written.  Now we just have to find a way to put it all together so that is looks engaging, eye-catching, easy to read, and filled with love.  Not an easy task.

It feels good to be getting more things done.  We did so much about a month ago and then really put adoption things on the back burner for a while as other things in our lives needed to get done.  But with this seminar and the first draft of our profile done, I feel like we are back into things.  We sent an email to our adoption counselor yesterday to try and schedule our individual interviews, which is the next meeting we have to have with her.  Hopefully we will hear back soon and get those scheduled.  Until then, we will continue to put together our letters and check more things off of our checklists.

Crossing things off...

It feels like we have been on this huge quest to get as much done for the adoption paperwork as we can in the least amount of time. Carla and I both feel like this paperwork is the last thing that we have any control over in this process.  We know that we are going to have to wait for quite a while to be matched with a birthmother.  We know that we might even have to wait longer than most other couples simply because we are gay.  Truly we have come to terms with that, but we feel like the paperwork is not going to be the thing that holds us up.  So in the last two weeks we have filled out many forms, taken two online classes (we have one more to go), prepared our house to be completely fire safe, taken our CPR class and this morning we got our fingerprints done.  We just went to the post office and dropped off a huge packet of DCFC paperwork that needed to be done including the forms regarding our fingerprints.  And for perhaps the greatest accomplishment is that this morning I made a doctor's appointment.  Now for most people this would be no great accomplishment. However, I cannot remember the last time I made a doctor's appointment.  But thanks to the recommendation of a close friend, I have found a doctor and will be going for a physical in two weeks.  Yikes!

So with that we are just a little bit closer to finishing all the paperwork.  The doctor will be able to fill out my health form and that will feel like a huge relief.  After that we are left to work on our dear birthparent letter and our profile (kind of like a big scrapbook to show a birthparent who we are and what our lives are like).  On that note, we are starting to gather pictures that might look good to show people what our life is like.  If any of you out there reading this happen to have any great pictures of Carla and I doing something that looks like fun, please email them to me so we can use them for the book.

Well that is it for now.  I thought I would sneak in a quick post since I took this morning off in order to get those fingerprints taken care of.  I must now get back to the part of my life that doesn't involve adoption!

What a week!

Hello all!

It's been a while (it seems as if I am always starting that way).  This week has been a complete whirlwind.  On Tuesday, we had our second meeting with our adoption counselor.  I spent the days leading up to the meeting convincing myself that they were going to tell us that we don't make enough money to adopt a baby.  For the most part, this was an irrational fear of mine and I totally let it get the best of me.  But I suppose that is what this process is starting to do.  At each step we reveal more and more information about who we are and it seems like the agency is constantly looking at that information and deciding if it makes us ready to do this thing.  Again, that is a somewhat skewed version of what really happens, but it feels as if we are in constant scrutiny and that someone else is determining if we are ready to adopt.  When I step back and look at it, I know that they just want us to think about all the things that will occur and they want us to plan and be ready and I truly am thankful for that.  It is just incredibly nerve wracking as we are going through it.

In actuality, we had a great meeting with our counselor on Tuesday.  She even told us that she liked working with us because we were so open and honest and we were exactly who we said we were.  It is true.  Carla and I don't hide much, mostly because we are incapable of it.  When we are happy it is obvious and when we are freaked out, that is obvious too.  So I am glad that she saw that as a good thing.  The purpose of the meeting was really to go over the financial paperwork we turned in, review the next steps, and give us more paperwork to fill out.  Much of the next round of paperwork is the DCFS licensing paperwork.  In Illinois, in order to be approved to adopt a child, you have to be licensed to be foster parents through DCFS.  This does not mean that we will ever be foster parents or even hold the title of foster parents, but it is just how they do things here.  And that requires a lot of paperwork.  It also requires things like making sure we have fire extinguishers (which we now have on every floor), working fire/smoke/carbon monoxide detectors (which we also now have on every floor), and even a fire escape ladder from the room that will be the child's room (you guessed it, we now have one of those as well).  So in the coming weeks we will be working our way through the fairly large stack of papers we were given.

The last piece of our meeting on Tuesday was our counselor talking with us about the profile that we will be making.  We looked at some examples and talked through what we needed to do.  Essentially we are creating a book that will tell someone who we are and what our lives are like.  Some of these books were super fancy, while others were simple and straightforward.  Knowing Carla and I, we are going to end up somewhere in the middle.  But this will certainly require calling on all of our most creative friends to help put this thing together.  It is hard to imagine creating a document that will be able to convey the kind of people that we are, the relationship that we have, and the life that we live.  However, as we flipped through the books that we were given as examples, I was definitely able to gain an understanding of the kind of people that created those books and the types of families that they were.

I left the meeting feeling good and Carla left the meeting feeling motivated.  As soon as we got home we were filling out more papers and yesterday we made a big trip to Home Depot to purchase all of the fire equipment we needed for the house.  We also left the meeting and came home to sign up for our next class which was on Thursday.  So on Wednesday, we spent the evening do the homework that we were given for Thursday night's class.

On Thursday, I rushed home to let the poor dog out, who has been somewhat neglected due to all this adoption stuff this week.  Carla came home and then we were off to our class.  Thursday's class was all about openness.  The class really helped us to understand the real logistics of maintaining an open adoption.  One of the most powerful things for me was a video that we watched of an adult woman who had been adopted and had not met her birthparents until she was in her 20's.  In the video, she was asked how her life would have been different had she known about her birthparents at an early age.  She explained that her life would have been filled with much less questioning.  She wouldn't have always had to worry about if the person who she passed on the street who happened to look a bit like her was really her birth mother.  She wouldn't have always had to wonder about who her birthparents were because she would have known.  It just reinforced for me the power of having an open adoption.

It was clear that each couple in the class was at a very different place in terms of their feelings about open adoption.  Carla and I are feeling really good about open adoption and really believe it is what is best for the child.  But from the comments that some of the other couples made, it was clear that they weren't so sure yet.  It was interesting to see how everyone felt about it and where everyone was in their beliefs about how it will work for them.

Thursday's class went until 8:45 and I have to say that the last few hours were really a challenge after a long day of work.  It was hard to stay focused, but, as always, I walked away from the class with a renewed sense of peace that we are working with The Cradle.  The education that they are giving us has been invaluable.  I learn so much from each experience and I am constantly being asked to stretch my thinking in ways that lead me to a better place.

So now, there is more paperwork to do.  We need to get started on a rough draft of our profile.  We have a bunch of online classes to take and two more in-person classes to take.  We have to get ourselves certified in infant CPR and eventually we need to get ourselves a clean bill of health from a doctor (which you know is a place I DREAD going.)  So there is still lots to do as we continue along this journey.  While I know it is going to take a long time to reach the end of all of this, I am thankful for the time that we have now and I am thankful for the work that we are being asked to do.

A most difficult checklist

Well, the first round of paperwork has been completed.  The autobiographies have been written.  Both Carla and I have finished writing our life stories.  If that assignment wasn't enough, we then had to complete the most difficult checklist of our lives.  The checklist asked us to say whether or not we were willing to be presented to birthmothers who had certain medical conditions themselves or in their families.  The list also asked us to check whether or not we were willing to be presented to birthmothers who had some exposure to drugs, tobacco, or alcohol during their pregnancy.  The checklist does not mean that we will absolutely adopt any child with this medical history, but that we are willing to be presented to a birthmother with these certain medical histories.  If that mother were to choose us, we would still be presented with the specific information about this woman, the birthfather, and their families.  Only then would we have to commit to whether or not we would be able to go forward with an adoption.

It is unbelievable difficult to fill out this type of a checklist.  We would all like to say that we would happily adopt any child that came our way.  However, this process requires us to be completely honest about what we are actually able to deal with and what our lives will allow us to care for in a child.  Carla and I both had to get past the idea that it felt wrong to say there were conditions that we were not equipped to deal with.  We had to get a more honest place of accepting what we feel we can truly do. We want to be able to provide our child with everything that he or she will require and if we can't do that, we would rather be honest about it now.

As we were filling out the checklist, we couldn't help but think about how many of these medical conditions exist in our own family histories.  With any birth, with any child, there are risks that are involved.  It is impossible to have a child who is not at risk for anything, but I suppose that is just a part of being a parent.  Knowing that there are risks and knowing that you are going to be there for your child no matter what happens throughout his or her life.  Looking at it from that perspective helped us to fill out our checklist with a bit more ease.

We finally got it done.  We completed the rest of what we had to do and we have now scheduled our next meeting with our adoption counselor for January 17th so that we will hopefully be able to register for the next class that we need which is being offered on January 19th.

Autobiography of Jessica Lifshitz

As part of the paperwork that we have to complete before we can have our next meeting with our adoption counselor, Carla and I each have to write an autobiography that provides answers to a very long list of questions.  I decided to try starting mine today and while I think I have only answered about 1/8 of the questions, I have already written three pages.  I cannot believe that anyone is going to be able to read what I am writing without falling asleep from boredom.  My life is just not that interesting and yet I seem to have a whole lot to say about it.  Like most things, I am probably way over-thinking this thing and probably don't need to be writing half as much as I am actually writing.  But that's just not how I do things. Why say what you have to say in ten words when you can use fifty words to say the same thing.  I am pretty sure that if I were to grade my own writing as a teacher, I would point out a whole lot of places where I have said the same thing multiple times in different words.  I am pretty sure I have taught the kids that they should never do that.  Oh well!

I am going to walk away from it for a bit and try again in a few hours.  If this is only the start of the paperwork, I cannot even begin to imagine how long it is all going to take.

I will keep you all posted on the progress.  I just needed to take a break!

Adoption 101

Carla and I arrived at The Cradle twenty minutes early (which is actually cutting it close for us) for our Adoption 101 all day class.  We were going to spend the day (from 8:30 until 4:30) with other couples beginning the adoption process with The Cradle.  Though we were not thrilled at the idea of spending our entire Saturday in our first adoption class, we were excited and anxious to get the day started.  We were clearly the first ones there and walked into the room where we would be spending the day, totally unsure of what to expect.  The women who were leading the class greeted us with smiles and warmth and we started to relax just a bit.

For those of you who know us, you know that Carla and I don't particularly thrive in situations where we have to make small talk with strangers.  So as people started to file in, we kept ourselves occupied by looking through the binder that we were given and by giggling amongst ourselves (something that we ARE particularly good at).  I expected to feel some strange competition with the people who we were sitting in this class with.  After all, these are going to be the other couples on the waiting list with us.  It's hard not to think about if they will get picked before us and if someone will choose them over us.  But in all honesty, I didn't feel any competition.  Instead, I felt comforted to be surrounded by other people who were in the same place as us. Other people who had the same fears and worries that we did.  Other people who could really empathize with what we were going through.

The day started with a tour of the building, including the on-site nursery.  The Cradle is the only adoption agency in the country with an on-site nursery (which is pretty amazing).  The nursery is a place where babies can go while final decisions are being made.  If a baby is born and the mother contacts The Cradle, they still require her to go through several weeks of options counseling to make sure that adoption is the right choice for her.  Instead of placing a baby with a family and then having to take the baby back if the mother changes her mind, the babies are placed in The Cradle nursery.  That way, the birth mother has the time and space she needs to make the best decision for her and the baby and the adoptive parents don't have the baby in their home just to have to take the baby back if a change of heart occurs.  It is a pretty wonderful system.  Yesterday, there were four babies in the nursery.  There are trained nurses on call 24 hours a day and a two year waiting list to be a volunteer baby cuddler!

Anyway, after the tour, things finally got started.  The first activity we did was pretty powerful and set the tone for the rest of the day.  We were asked to take something of value that we had on us, that would fit in the palm of our hands.  Though it took me a minute to figure out what on earth I could use, I quickly saw Carla taking off her wedding ring and figured that was what they had in mind.  Sure enough, most people chose to use their wedding ring.  Anyway, we were split into two groups: group A and Group B.  Carla and I were in group A.  Group A was told to place the object of importance in a basket that was passed around.  We were told to keep our eyes straight ahead while each person in group B was then asked to pick one of our items out of the basket.  Now, I knew this was just an exercise and I knew that we would get our objects back, but I still had quite a bit of anxiety that someone was holding onto my wedding ring and I had no idea who it was.  Once everyone had picked a new item, four of the people with items were asked to show what they had.  I got to see who had my wedding ring and I oddly felt a little bit better about it.  The whole idea was to show us what it was like to be the one giving up something special, what it was like to be the one with the special item, what it was like to not know who had your special item, and the instant connection that was formed when you knew who had your special item.  We then discussed how these feelings could be applied to the adoption situation.  It helped us to build empathy for the birthmother, helped us to see the benefits of an open adoption, and helped us to see how much emotion was involved in the whole process.  It was a really great way to start the day.

The next part of the morning required us to talk about our fears and concerns in starting this process.  It was amazing how quickly everyone opened up and I soon found myself explaining to a room full of strangers how scary it was to be a same-sex couple opening ourselves up to other people's judgements and prejudices.  I talked about our fears of not being accepted as possible parents by some birthmothers or their families.  As I finished sharing our fears, a man across the room loudly said to the whole room, "Well, I hope you know that you are accepted here with us."  It was such a kind gesture.  Such a genuine sentiment and it meant so much to both of us.  It was the first time, of many, that I found myself trying to hold back tears during the day.

The rest of the day was filled with many more exercises, speakers, videos, and discussions.  We heard from an adult adoptee from Peru, a gay man who had adopted a child with his partner, and two other families who had adopted children one as a domestic adoption and one as an international adoption.  It was an emotional day and helped us to think through a lot of the issues surrounding adoption.  There was a whole section dedicated to multicultural families which really helped me to see some of this issues that I had not thought about in terms of multicultural families. So many things were brought up throughout the day that I just hadn't thought about before and I appreciated the opportunity to start thinking of the many things that are involved with the adoption process.

I am not sure what exactly caused the switch in me, but at some point during the day I began to find more peace with this process.  I started to have more faith in it.  I came to believe that though we would probably have to wait a pretty long time, there was going to be a birthmother who came along and chose us as the ones she wanted to raise her child.  Again, I don't know what it was that made me feel better, but by the end of the day I really believed that this was going to happen for us.  This was going to be the way that we added a child to our family.  Up until yesterday, I was just not convinced that this was really going to work, that we would ever be chosen.  And at some point during the long day yesterday, I came to believe that it was going to work.  That we would be chosen.  That the right child would find us.  And that is what I took away from Adoption 101.

The Initial Consultation

With each new step of this adoption journey comes new emotions that I sometimes feel ill equipped to explain to others.  Nothing could be more true of what we experienced this past Friday when we had our initial consultation with the woman who will be our adoption counselor throughout this process. 

We met our counselor, Dori, at the offices of our adoption agency at 8:00 in the morning on Friday.  She came to the door to let us in and I could immediately feel the warmth that emanated from the small woman.  She led us into a comfortable room and left Carla and I alone for a few moments while she finished some things up in her office.  The room was filled with pictures of children, stuffed animals, and toys for kids and it could not have been a less threatening environment.  However, Carla and I sat there in a high state of anxiety as we waited for this first meeting to begin.  We had no idea what to expect.  We had no idea what Dori would think of us.  We had no idea what the goals for this meeting were.  And so, we were left to wonder and worry. 

Finally, Dori came in and for the next three hours, the three of us sat around the small, round table and attempted to get to know each other and better understand the process that was about to begin.  It’s hard to remember all that took place over the three-hour long meeting.  We began with a discussion of who Carla and I were.  What we did for a living, how we came to be where we were, and what our relationship was like.  It is so hard to explain to someone who has never met you, who you are as individuals and as a couple.  But we did our best and I believe that the love between us was obvious to her.   

Then Dori asked about our families.  In detail.  We were not totally prepared for the types of questions that she asked, but it helped us to realize that in this process, nothing is off limits.  It is intrusive and personal and we now understand that it has to be.  We must be ready to share everything.  So we did. 

And then Dori began to tell us about the process.  What I appreciated most about her was her kind honesty.  She was very clear that this is not an easy process.  She was very clear that with the current state of international adoption, domestic adoption has become even more difficult.  It is more challenging to adopt a child from a foreign country today because of the current changes in adoption laws in other countries.  Therefore, there is a higher demand for domestic adoptions, which in turn leads to longer wait times (an average wait time of 18 months).  All of that, I could handle with little emotional response. 

But then, Dori began to talk about what it was like for a same-sex couple trying to adopt.  And that is when my emotions hit hard.  There are realities of this world that I know and I understand.  However, much of my life is sheltered from those realities.  I have a family who is unbelievably accepting and supportive.  I have friends who love both Carla and me for exactly who we are.  As a teacher, I work in a school that is surprisingly open and supportive.  I am able to be out with the full support of my administration, my colleagues, my students, and their parents (to the point that my class threw me a wedding shower before I went to Vermont to marry Carla).  I am very lucky.  So I don’t often have to confront the realties of how same sex couples are viewed.  But the truth is, we are a minority. The truth is that not everyone in this world is comfortable with two women raising a child. And the truth is that even those who are comfortable with the idea, still may not imagine two women when they think of the family they would like to choose to raise the child they are creating an adoption plan for.  And so, it is more difficult for two women to be chosen by a birth mother.  And there is nothing we can do about that.  That was the reality that Dori explained to us and that was the moment of the meeting where I felt most scared and most unsure about this process. 

But I have to say.  That was just a moment.  There were many other moments where I felt so sure that this was the right process for us.  And that was the feeling that I walked away with.  I fell more in love with this particular agency and more in love with the idea of open adoption.  I was excited by the fact that Dori gave us some next steps to take.  She gave us, what she called, “The famous green binder.”  This binder was filled with paperwork and checklists and all sorts of other things that will get us through the beginning phase of the adoption process known as the home study.  So there was a lot to be excited about.  For me, it was just that amidst all the excitement was this reality that for some birthmothers, Carla and I would never be considered just because we are two women.  No matter how loving we might seem or how much care we put into crafting the perfect image of a stable family, there are some people who would never see anything other than a lesbian couple who are not fit to raise a child.  And no matter how I try to reassure myself or how others try to reassure me, that just hurts. 

And yet, I still look ahead with excitement.  Next Saturday, Carla and I will be attending an all day class called “Adoption 101.”  After that, we will start writing our autobiographies for the adoption agency.  We will start to have difficult conversations about what types of mental illness, physical illness, and drug and alcohol abuse we are willing to consider in the birthmother.  We will start to talk about what issues we are willing to consider in the child himself.  And we will start to list out for the agency how much money we make and how much money we spend in a month.  Truly, no detail goes unobserved.  Once these documents are done, there are more meetings to be had, more classes to take, and much more paperwork to fill out.  And I truly look forward to all of it. 

So with this first meeting over, I can look ahead with a lot of excitement and some fears as well.  I take comfort in knowing that I am surrounded by support.  I take comfort in knowing that I have a wonderful partner to go through this process with.  And I take comfort in knowing that we have found a wonderful agency and a wonderful adoption counselor to guide us through all of it.  And for now, all of that makes this process seem a lot more manageable and a lot less scary. 

(Don't be alarmed when this exact same post appears on my It's Conceivable blog. I wrote it to be posted there, but wanted to be able to share with you all first :) )