I actually started this post a few weeks ago, after an incident at daycare between Carla and one of the assistant teachers. I am just getting back to it now...
So today some thoughts came to me.
What led to them is less important than what they are and not nearly as important as my need to get them down some place.
So here is the thing, I don't often get upset about the negative perceptions that I know some people still have about same-sex parents or about lesbians in general. Most of the time, I am too busy being thankful for the people in my immediate world and for how open and loving and liberal (at least in regards to social issues) they all are. The gratitude for that fact seems more genuine than the anger that can sometimes creep in about how unfair this world still can be.
But then there are moments, when I just get tired of it all. When I want to be able to stop wondering if people are treating us a certain way because they don't agree with who we are or because they are just jerks. I want to stop worrying about finding a way to let people know that we are a family with two moms. I want to put down the worries that invade over whether or not people are going to give Millie a hard time as she begins school and talks about her family that doesn't look like everyone else. I want to be able to take comfort in knowing that we have wonderful families that surround us and surround Millie and not have to worry about making sure that she is also surrounded by enough families that have two moms or two dads so that she will feel like her family is normal. And sometimes, every so often, I don't want to carry the weight of giving people a good impression of what a family with lesbian parents is really like.
I know that these are things that I choose to worry about. That I could just let everyone think what they want and not worry about it. And the truth is that most of the time, that is exactly what I do. Most of the time, I am so proud of who we are, as a family, and who I am as a person, that it doesn't matter what anyone else things. But I am also human. And I also care about how other people see me. And I also worry, as a mom, for what Millie might encounter as she gets older. And that weight...that can get really heavy. And I will happily bear that weight, so that Millie doesn't have to. I will pick up extra weight in order to protect Millie from it. I do that happily. I guess that I just wish that I didn't have to.
And I like to think that the world is getting better. I know that it is. I know that laws are changing and that eventually hearts and minds will follow. I know that already things are easier than they were when Carla and I first met. And I also know that there will always be people that disapprove and I will just have to deal with that and most days I will choose to deal with it by not dealing with it at all. And there will also be some days that I will get sick and tired of dealing with it all and wish it all away.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Post-Holiday Contemplating
Today, a kind kind friend said that she trusted that our Christmas was magical. It was THE perfect word to describe all of the holidays this season. Holidays have never really felt magical for me before. But this year...there was magic. Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas were all filled with family and friends and good good spirits. And now, in this post-holiday calm, I can start to truly be thankful for the season and its joy and its magic.
Millie's first Christmas was simply wonderful. In many ways, it was my first real Christmas as well, since Carla and I have never really done much celebrating, outside of what we do with her family. But this year, we went all out. There was a tree, there were holiday cards hung up in the house, there were stockings, there was a simply delightful Christmas Eve celebration at Carla's brother's house and when I woke up on Christmas morning, there was evidence of a visit from Santa. I couldn't help but get excited, even though I knew that Carla had a hand in the morning magic. We watched Millie open her presents (it is amazing how good she has gotten at it) and we saw her delight in playing with all of her new stuff. We then all had the luxurious opportunity to take a bit of a family nap before we headed out to Carla's mom's house for the day. We spent the day with more family and more presents and a visit from Santa (who looked suspiciously like Carla's younger brother, Dave) and it was wonderful. Millie got to play with her cousins and with her aunts and uncles and do all the things that kids should do on Christmas day. We left feeling exhausted and so very full of holiday spirit.
And while many of this season's holidays are now behind us, we have some big ones coming up. We have New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, which happens to double as Millie's birthday. And at the end of January, we have the day that marks one full year since we brought Millie home. There is a lot to be said about these upcoming days and I hope to say them as they get closer. I have been thinking so much of where we were a year ago and where we are now and I have so much to share about all of that as my thoughts have been consumed lately with thoughts of Millie's birthday, the fact that we did not meet her until a month later, the day we brought Millie home and her very precious, very thought-of birth family. Hopefully, I will find time in the next few weeks to put some of thoughts down on virtual paper.
I haven't written much these past few months. I am starting to think that maybe it is time to wrap things up over here at the blog after the passing of these next few milestones. It isn't that there isn't anything left to write about. I think of things to write about multiple times during the course of a day. It's just that our lives are mostly consumed by the mundane these days. It is delightfully mundane. And normal. And regular. And I am just not sure that there is much to share that would be of any interest to anyone. I love that life seems so normal. Here we are. A lesbian headed family with an adopted daughter and I am pretty sure that our lives are much the same as any other family out there. So we shall see what this coming year brings for this blog. I love having this space and I absolutely love the connections that it has given me to other families just like ours and I love the story that is being written of our family that will be here way after I forget all the details of these first months together as a family of three and maybe this space has already filled its purpose. Who knows.
Millie's first Christmas was simply wonderful. In many ways, it was my first real Christmas as well, since Carla and I have never really done much celebrating, outside of what we do with her family. But this year, we went all out. There was a tree, there were holiday cards hung up in the house, there were stockings, there was a simply delightful Christmas Eve celebration at Carla's brother's house and when I woke up on Christmas morning, there was evidence of a visit from Santa. I couldn't help but get excited, even though I knew that Carla had a hand in the morning magic. We watched Millie open her presents (it is amazing how good she has gotten at it) and we saw her delight in playing with all of her new stuff. We then all had the luxurious opportunity to take a bit of a family nap before we headed out to Carla's mom's house for the day. We spent the day with more family and more presents and a visit from Santa (who looked suspiciously like Carla's younger brother, Dave) and it was wonderful. Millie got to play with her cousins and with her aunts and uncles and do all the things that kids should do on Christmas day. We left feeling exhausted and so very full of holiday spirit.
And while many of this season's holidays are now behind us, we have some big ones coming up. We have New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, which happens to double as Millie's birthday. And at the end of January, we have the day that marks one full year since we brought Millie home. There is a lot to be said about these upcoming days and I hope to say them as they get closer. I have been thinking so much of where we were a year ago and where we are now and I have so much to share about all of that as my thoughts have been consumed lately with thoughts of Millie's birthday, the fact that we did not meet her until a month later, the day we brought Millie home and her very precious, very thought-of birth family. Hopefully, I will find time in the next few weeks to put some of thoughts down on virtual paper.
I haven't written much these past few months. I am starting to think that maybe it is time to wrap things up over here at the blog after the passing of these next few milestones. It isn't that there isn't anything left to write about. I think of things to write about multiple times during the course of a day. It's just that our lives are mostly consumed by the mundane these days. It is delightfully mundane. And normal. And regular. And I am just not sure that there is much to share that would be of any interest to anyone. I love that life seems so normal. Here we are. A lesbian headed family with an adopted daughter and I am pretty sure that our lives are much the same as any other family out there. So we shall see what this coming year brings for this blog. I love having this space and I absolutely love the connections that it has given me to other families just like ours and I love the story that is being written of our family that will be here way after I forget all the details of these first months together as a family of three and maybe this space has already filled its purpose. Who knows.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Traditions
This time of year. It can be the absolute worst one year and then the next year. Well, the next year, it is pretty incredible. I just went back and read my blog post from last year around this time. It's funny, I wrote about settling into a quiet waiting around this time last year. I wrote about finding a faith that things were going to work out. And just around that time, perhaps a few weeks after that faith settled in, our Millie was born. We didn't even know her yet, but there she was, waiting to come on out and find us. Incredible.
Anyway, this year, I find myself settled deep into the holiday spirit. Carla and I hosted our families at our house for Thanksgiving and as we went around the table and shared the things we were thankful for, my heart was so so full of thanks and so full of real, true gratitude. There is so much to be thankful for this year. For Millie. For Carla. For our families. For work that is meaningful. For friends that are kind. For a world that seems to be getting a little bit better and more tolerant. There is a lot.
Our Thanksgiving meal was incredible. Carla cooked the whole thing (with some delicious additions from my mom). I wish that I could say that I was helpful in the cooking process, but mostly I wandered around the kitchen and tried to clean stuff when I could. It was a wonderful day. There was so much love in our home. It was enough to overwhelm me several times throughout the day. And as family trickled out, we were left with just the three of us. We felt the love of our families all day and our home stayed so full of all things good.
After a short rest, something really great happened. We put up our Christmas tree. This is my first ever Christmas tree and I am in absolute love with it. As I write this right now, I have the tree lit up and the blinds open so that the lights will be showing to all those who walk by. Growing up Jewish, I always wanted a Christmas tree. They are just so darn pretty. And to have one, with my family, is exciting in a way that is hard for me to describe.
In typical Jess and Carla (and now Millie) fashion, there is not just a Christmas tree up, but there are also two menorahs set out on our dining room table. Each night the light of the Hanukkah candles mixes with the lights of the Christmas tree and our home is filled with so much tradition. It's funny, neither Carla nor I are particularly religious. I know this sounds funny considering my father is a rabbi, but religion just doesn't mean a whole lot to us. But, and I have never understood this until now, there is something about celebrating holidays that I just love. And I now understand that for me, it is all about the traditions.
This year, there is something so incredible about starting traditions with our little family. There is something amazing about passing things on. About starting something that is going to live longer than perhaps even we will. And I just can't get enough of it. So there is a tree, there are menorahs, there are decorations, there are holiday cards, there is as much tradition as we can jam into this tiny, love-filled house of ours. And it doesn't matter to us what religion we say we are, what matters is that we have these family traditions that are so very us. To us, that is what is most important.
So as the holiday season descends upon us, I find myself more invested in it than I ever have been before. And I am thankful, so unbelievably thankful, to have the family that I have to celebrate this season with.
A few pictures of our holiday fun so far...
This year, there is something so incredible about starting traditions with our little family. There is something amazing about passing things on. About starting something that is going to live longer than perhaps even we will. And I just can't get enough of it. So there is a tree, there are menorahs, there are decorations, there are holiday cards, there is as much tradition as we can jam into this tiny, love-filled house of ours. And it doesn't matter to us what religion we say we are, what matters is that we have these family traditions that are so very us. To us, that is what is most important.
So as the holiday season descends upon us, I find myself more invested in it than I ever have been before. And I am thankful, so unbelievably thankful, to have the family that I have to celebrate this season with.
A few pictures of our holiday fun so far...
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| First came Hanukkah. Some of our festive decorations. |
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| First night of Hanukkah. |
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| And then as we were trying to cook for Thanksgiving, Millie got into the dishwasher. Pretty typical. |
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| Our delicious Thanksgiving lunch, thanks to the hard work of my wife. |
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| Millie loved everything about her first Thanksgiving meal. |
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| Millie and Carla before the tree became a Christmas tree. |
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| Hanging the very first ornament on my very first Christmas tree. |
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| The finished product!! |
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| The cats quickly found their place under the tree. |
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| Not at all holiday related, but one of my new favorite pictures. |
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| Family. |
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Thank You, Illinois
On the NBC news this morning, there was a report about how Target was going to begin selling chocolate covered Lay's potato chips. This was definitely a sign that today was going to be a good day. By the end of the day, it had gotten so. much. better.
As I left work this afternoon and sat in awful, awful traffic, I received a text from HRC that the Illinois Same-Sex Marriage bill had passed. I was overjoyed. I instantly became emotional. I called Carla and she was emotional as well. Sometimes, I find it hard to explain why these moments feel so monumental. And why they feel so emotional. It is hard to explain, to those who have never been denied rights that other people receive, why it matters so much. It is hard to explain, to those who have never been made to feel as if they are less than those around them, why today was such a big deal. It is hard to explain, to those who have never had people carry around signs that tell you and your family that you are going to hell, what it means to have the government of your own state finally recognize you and your family as equals. All of this is to say that I am kind of at a loss for words.
By the time I made it to Millie's daycare, I had finished crying and was in a state of simple and pure joy. I picked our little one up and I told her that today, her mommies got to be married in our own state. I hugged her and told her that things were going to be different and that they were going to keep getting better. As I carried her to the car, however, I couldn't help but think about all the states that have yet to feel the joy that I was feeling. I couldn't help but think of all the kids growing up in states that still send the message that they are not as good as everybody else or that their family is not as real as everybody else's. I couldn't help but think about how much farther we have to go. And that is what happens each time a new milestone in equality is reached. I celebrate the successes while still leaving room for the sadness that these successes are even needed in the first place. I leave room for the sadness that there is still so much fight left to fight. And I leave room to remember all of the people who still have to struggle to feel comfortable enough to simply be who they are. I try to leave room for all of that so that we don't become complacent.
So at the end of the day, I look back and recognize that today was a really good day. By the start of the next school year, I won't have more money taken out of my paycheck than other people. By the time we file our taxes, we can file jointly on both our state and our federal taxes. When I am asked to identify my title, I will no longer have to debate between Ms. and Mrs. And when I tell people that I am married, I won't ever again have to explain that while we are married according to the laws of Vermont, we are not married according to the laws of our own home state. These are all really good things. These matter. These make me feel more equal. These things give me hope that more good things are on the way. These things give me peace that goodness and fairness and justice really are going to win in the end. That, and the chocolate covered potato chips now on sale at Target, make this world a better place to live in.
As I left work this afternoon and sat in awful, awful traffic, I received a text from HRC that the Illinois Same-Sex Marriage bill had passed. I was overjoyed. I instantly became emotional. I called Carla and she was emotional as well. Sometimes, I find it hard to explain why these moments feel so monumental. And why they feel so emotional. It is hard to explain, to those who have never been denied rights that other people receive, why it matters so much. It is hard to explain, to those who have never been made to feel as if they are less than those around them, why today was such a big deal. It is hard to explain, to those who have never had people carry around signs that tell you and your family that you are going to hell, what it means to have the government of your own state finally recognize you and your family as equals. All of this is to say that I am kind of at a loss for words.
By the time I made it to Millie's daycare, I had finished crying and was in a state of simple and pure joy. I picked our little one up and I told her that today, her mommies got to be married in our own state. I hugged her and told her that things were going to be different and that they were going to keep getting better. As I carried her to the car, however, I couldn't help but think about all the states that have yet to feel the joy that I was feeling. I couldn't help but think of all the kids growing up in states that still send the message that they are not as good as everybody else or that their family is not as real as everybody else's. I couldn't help but think about how much farther we have to go. And that is what happens each time a new milestone in equality is reached. I celebrate the successes while still leaving room for the sadness that these successes are even needed in the first place. I leave room for the sadness that there is still so much fight left to fight. And I leave room to remember all of the people who still have to struggle to feel comfortable enough to simply be who they are. I try to leave room for all of that so that we don't become complacent.
So at the end of the day, I look back and recognize that today was a really good day. By the start of the next school year, I won't have more money taken out of my paycheck than other people. By the time we file our taxes, we can file jointly on both our state and our federal taxes. When I am asked to identify my title, I will no longer have to debate between Ms. and Mrs. And when I tell people that I am married, I won't ever again have to explain that while we are married according to the laws of Vermont, we are not married according to the laws of our own home state. These are all really good things. These matter. These make me feel more equal. These things give me hope that more good things are on the way. These things give me peace that goodness and fairness and justice really are going to win in the end. That, and the chocolate covered potato chips now on sale at Target, make this world a better place to live in.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Our First, Second Anniversary
Confusing title, huh?
Well, today is the FIRST of our SECOND anniversaries. Yep. We have two wedding anniversaries. I guess that is the silver lining of not having the same legal rights as other couples in this country? Two years ago today, my wife and I were legally married outside of the Flavor Graveyard at the Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Factory in Vermont. Because Illinois did not, and still does not, grant same-sex marriages, we had to leave our home state to get legally married. So, the week before our Chicago wedding (the one with the big party and lots of cupcakes), we travelled to Vermont and were married by my very best friend and my sister in this perfect, small ceremony at the happiest place on earth (in my opinion). It was perfect.
And now...it is two years later. Two years later and I am more in love with my wife than I ever have been before. Because now I love her as my wife and I also get to love her as Millie's Mama. She makes one incredible wife, and she also make the most incredible Mama. She is everything to Millie. One minute she will be tossing Millie up and down to make her laugh harder than she ever laughs and the next minute she will be softly rubbing her head to help her calm down and fall asleep. She teaches Millie about the world and she has more energy for Millie than any other human being that I know. No matter how long her day was or how tired she is when she wakes up, she greets Millie with the warmest smile and the most loving embrace. It is amazing. I feel lucky.
These two years have been filled with so many moment. Incredible, life changing moments. Heartwarming, joyous moments. Heartbreaking moments. Moments that made us laugh so hard that we couldn't breathe. Moments when we questioned what the hell we were doing. Moments when it felt like we were in the exact right place, at the exact right time. These moments have filled our years with so much and it makes me so excited to think about all the moments that are still to come.
So how did we celebrate? Well, this morning we both got to play with Millie before I had to leave for work. That was a plus. Tonight, Carla is closing at work, she left us a delicious smelling crock pot dish that has filled our home with a delightful smell. I am cooking rice so we can eat as soon as Carla gets home. And when she gets home we will probably watch an episode of Chicago Fire. And then we will crawl into bed and we will have less room than normal because it is getting cold here in Chicago and that means that our cat, Jellybean, sleeps in the bed with us. And we will all fall asleep. As a family. And nothing. Nothing. Could be better.
I will leave you now with a few pictures from our wedding in Vermont.
So, today, two years after we left our own state so that we could get legally married, the Illinois congress is getting ready to go back to work in session that might possibly have the chance to vote on a same-sex marriage bill. Yesterday, the streets of Springfield were filled with people marching in support of this bill. Today, those same streets were filled with people who oppose the bill and hope that it doesn't come to pass. Me? I loved our wedding in Vermont, but if I could have, I would have chosen to be able to get married here, in our home state, in a heartbeat. Just because we made the best of it, doesn't mean that I was okay with it. I will never be okay with the fact that we are still not seen as equal here in Illinois. So while we celebrate this day, I hold a small space in my heart of sadness and a bigger space of hope thinking about why we had to leave Illinois and also thinking about what is possibly to come.
Well, today is the FIRST of our SECOND anniversaries. Yep. We have two wedding anniversaries. I guess that is the silver lining of not having the same legal rights as other couples in this country? Two years ago today, my wife and I were legally married outside of the Flavor Graveyard at the Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Factory in Vermont. Because Illinois did not, and still does not, grant same-sex marriages, we had to leave our home state to get legally married. So, the week before our Chicago wedding (the one with the big party and lots of cupcakes), we travelled to Vermont and were married by my very best friend and my sister in this perfect, small ceremony at the happiest place on earth (in my opinion). It was perfect.
And now...it is two years later. Two years later and I am more in love with my wife than I ever have been before. Because now I love her as my wife and I also get to love her as Millie's Mama. She makes one incredible wife, and she also make the most incredible Mama. She is everything to Millie. One minute she will be tossing Millie up and down to make her laugh harder than she ever laughs and the next minute she will be softly rubbing her head to help her calm down and fall asleep. She teaches Millie about the world and she has more energy for Millie than any other human being that I know. No matter how long her day was or how tired she is when she wakes up, she greets Millie with the warmest smile and the most loving embrace. It is amazing. I feel lucky.
These two years have been filled with so many moment. Incredible, life changing moments. Heartwarming, joyous moments. Heartbreaking moments. Moments that made us laugh so hard that we couldn't breathe. Moments when we questioned what the hell we were doing. Moments when it felt like we were in the exact right place, at the exact right time. These moments have filled our years with so much and it makes me so excited to think about all the moments that are still to come.
So how did we celebrate? Well, this morning we both got to play with Millie before I had to leave for work. That was a plus. Tonight, Carla is closing at work, she left us a delicious smelling crock pot dish that has filled our home with a delightful smell. I am cooking rice so we can eat as soon as Carla gets home. And when she gets home we will probably watch an episode of Chicago Fire. And then we will crawl into bed and we will have less room than normal because it is getting cold here in Chicago and that means that our cat, Jellybean, sleeps in the bed with us. And we will all fall asleep. As a family. And nothing. Nothing. Could be better.
I will leave you now with a few pictures from our wedding in Vermont.
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| Our ceremony took place under this delightful gazebo with our friends and family huddled inside. |
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| There could have been no more perfect setting than an ice cream factory for our wedding. |
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| We got to be Ben and Jerry! |
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| We then took our fancy selves on the Ice Cream Factory Tour. This was our tour guide. The people at Ben and Jerry's were so so nice. They let us get married there for no cost AND they gave us the tour for free and even threw in a free scoop of ice cream for everyone at the wedding (there were 12 of us!). Not only do they make the world's best ice cream, they are the kindest kind of people. |
Friday, October 18, 2013
Fall Update
It certainly has been a while since I wrote anything here.
I was thinking about the past few posts and I realize that it has been a good long while since I wrote just about...Millie.
So here it goes.
Millie is now solidly into her ninth month of life. At her last doctor's appointment, she had gotten herself to the 97th percentile in weight! Yep. She just keeps growing.
She is chubby and happy and the most recent development is that we have crawling! Just like everything else, Millie crawls in her own way and in her own time. She is still pretty content to sit still, but when she is really motivated, off she goes. The things that are most certain to motivate her include any and all pets who happen to walk by, dog toys, dog bones, and her favorite stuffed animals.
In addition to crawling, there is also some serious dancing. When upbeat music comes on, Millie starts to bounce up and down in the cutest way. It is like she doesn't even know that she is doing it. The music overtakes her. It is delightful.
And the eating. She will eat anything. Honestly. There is nothing that girl won't try to put into her mouth and she loves meal time more than any other time of day. She loves avocado, banana, chicken, butternut squash, and anything else that ends up on her high chair tray. And when she has had enough, she lets us know by squishing her food so tightly in her hands that it pops out from between her fingers. It is a real treat.
Millie has really started playing with her toys. She loves any type of musical instrument. She loves cars and trucks of any kind. She loves blocks and Little People figures and her stuffed animal owl, Prudence. While I would like to say that she is mesmerized by books, mostly she likes to grab them out of my hands and throw them around the room. She also really delights in pulling them off of book shelves.
And Fall. Fall has come. This house loves Fall in a serious way. Even the dog loves the onset of the colder weather. I truly love everything about Fall. I love the colors, the smells, the foods, the clothes, the way that the school year starts to settle in and feel like normal. It all makes me so very content. This year, there has been no shortage of Fall activities. There has been a trip to the apple orchard, two trips to pumpkin farms, and many pumpkin flavored goodies. Millie seems to love the outdoors in Fall as much as any other time of year. We are now looking forward to Halloween. Millie's costume promises lots of cuteness.
So, yes, things are good.
Please don't mistake my happy updates as an assertion that life is without it's struggles. In hopes of keeping things real, I will say that the start of the school year has been a struggle. I still struggle to feel as if I am enough both at home and at school. It seems that when I get on top of things at school, things fall apart at home and when I get on top of things at home, things fall apart as school. Nothing drastic, but things slip and fall through cracks and I have to stop and remind myself that sometimes I have to be okay with good enough. It's a work in progress.
Millie still does not nap at daycare. It leads to some pretty cranky afternoons once she gets home. Luckily, the girl likes an early bedtime and there are many nights that she is asleep before six. I would love for her to make it up a bit later, but I am thankful that she sleeps well at night. I am thankful that when she is home with us she still naps. But those hours after daycare, those can suck.
There is some pretty awful diaper rash at the moment. I won't say too much about that. It's gross. Enough said.
We haven't heard from Millie's birth parents in a while. They will come back to us. To her. We all know they will. But, still. The silence sometimes worries us.
There was a small freak out about day care this past week. There was a mix up with what she was eating for snack. There was a new worker who didn't inspire the highest amounts of confidence. You know. Nothing big, but everything feels big because it's your kid and there isn't anything that is too little to worry about when it comes to the care she is getting. But bottom line, we love where she is. She loves where she is. We are absolutely in love with the main teacher in the infant room and she is in love with Millie. We are happy. We will remind ourselves of that.
This week was a tough one. I had two nights of parent-teacher conferences, which were all lovely, but still, they were long long nights. I didn't even get to see Millie awake on Thursday. That was hard. But today, we made up for it. I didn't have to work. Carla didn't have to work. Millie got to be home with both of us. We made it a family fun day at the Shedd Aquarium. It was a good day.
Well. Now I feel more balanced. If you made it through all of that, I am impressed. I will reward you will Millie pictures. This kid. She is everything.
Well, that is more than enough for now. I hope this post finds you all doing well and enjoying the beautiful Fall.
I was thinking about the past few posts and I realize that it has been a good long while since I wrote just about...Millie.
So here it goes.
Millie is now solidly into her ninth month of life. At her last doctor's appointment, she had gotten herself to the 97th percentile in weight! Yep. She just keeps growing.
She is chubby and happy and the most recent development is that we have crawling! Just like everything else, Millie crawls in her own way and in her own time. She is still pretty content to sit still, but when she is really motivated, off she goes. The things that are most certain to motivate her include any and all pets who happen to walk by, dog toys, dog bones, and her favorite stuffed animals.
In addition to crawling, there is also some serious dancing. When upbeat music comes on, Millie starts to bounce up and down in the cutest way. It is like she doesn't even know that she is doing it. The music overtakes her. It is delightful.
And the eating. She will eat anything. Honestly. There is nothing that girl won't try to put into her mouth and she loves meal time more than any other time of day. She loves avocado, banana, chicken, butternut squash, and anything else that ends up on her high chair tray. And when she has had enough, she lets us know by squishing her food so tightly in her hands that it pops out from between her fingers. It is a real treat.
Millie has really started playing with her toys. She loves any type of musical instrument. She loves cars and trucks of any kind. She loves blocks and Little People figures and her stuffed animal owl, Prudence. While I would like to say that she is mesmerized by books, mostly she likes to grab them out of my hands and throw them around the room. She also really delights in pulling them off of book shelves.
And Fall. Fall has come. This house loves Fall in a serious way. Even the dog loves the onset of the colder weather. I truly love everything about Fall. I love the colors, the smells, the foods, the clothes, the way that the school year starts to settle in and feel like normal. It all makes me so very content. This year, there has been no shortage of Fall activities. There has been a trip to the apple orchard, two trips to pumpkin farms, and many pumpkin flavored goodies. Millie seems to love the outdoors in Fall as much as any other time of year. We are now looking forward to Halloween. Millie's costume promises lots of cuteness.
So, yes, things are good.
Please don't mistake my happy updates as an assertion that life is without it's struggles. In hopes of keeping things real, I will say that the start of the school year has been a struggle. I still struggle to feel as if I am enough both at home and at school. It seems that when I get on top of things at school, things fall apart at home and when I get on top of things at home, things fall apart as school. Nothing drastic, but things slip and fall through cracks and I have to stop and remind myself that sometimes I have to be okay with good enough. It's a work in progress.
Millie still does not nap at daycare. It leads to some pretty cranky afternoons once she gets home. Luckily, the girl likes an early bedtime and there are many nights that she is asleep before six. I would love for her to make it up a bit later, but I am thankful that she sleeps well at night. I am thankful that when she is home with us she still naps. But those hours after daycare, those can suck.
There is some pretty awful diaper rash at the moment. I won't say too much about that. It's gross. Enough said.
We haven't heard from Millie's birth parents in a while. They will come back to us. To her. We all know they will. But, still. The silence sometimes worries us.
There was a small freak out about day care this past week. There was a mix up with what she was eating for snack. There was a new worker who didn't inspire the highest amounts of confidence. You know. Nothing big, but everything feels big because it's your kid and there isn't anything that is too little to worry about when it comes to the care she is getting. But bottom line, we love where she is. She loves where she is. We are absolutely in love with the main teacher in the infant room and she is in love with Millie. We are happy. We will remind ourselves of that.
This week was a tough one. I had two nights of parent-teacher conferences, which were all lovely, but still, they were long long nights. I didn't even get to see Millie awake on Thursday. That was hard. But today, we made up for it. I didn't have to work. Carla didn't have to work. Millie got to be home with both of us. We made it a family fun day at the Shedd Aquarium. It was a good day.
Well. Now I feel more balanced. If you made it through all of that, I am impressed. I will reward you will Millie pictures. This kid. She is everything.
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| These two...they are soul mates. |
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| Pumpkin Patch #1 |
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| Carla and Millie on the Cow Train |
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| Millie and I and a tractor |
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| Pumpkin |
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| Out for dinner. I love this picture. So much. |
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| My dad and the grandkids. I love this picture too. |
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| Millie's first trip to the Shedd Aquarium. It is one of Carla's favorite spots in Chicago. Millie was instantly smitten with the place. |
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| Carla is pointing out the fish and sharks. |
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| These two. Loves of my life. |
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| She fits perfectly between the big and the little. |
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| I cannot believe how grown up she looks in this one. It was a great great day. |
Sunday, September 22, 2013
One Year Ago
This week is my birthday. That alone is not cause for a blog post, though I do, in general, love my birthday.
It just so happens to be the perfect time for me to remember where I was exactly one year ago. Last year's birthday was rough. Really rough. My birthday last year happened to fall on a Jewish holiday, and not a fun one. That alone wouldn't have been so bad, but it also just so happened that we were in the middle of one of our first times being presented to an expectant mother through our adoption agency. We had been on the wait list for three months. The waiting was already simply awful.
So as my birthday rolls around this year, I keep thinking back on what it was like last year. Looking back, I am pretty sure that I was in a bit of a depression. The adoption wait was as hard as everyone had said it was going to be and at moments, it was harder. And the not knowing. It was killer. Every day of that waiting felt like our real lives were on pause, like we were just kind of waiting around for someone to come and hit play again. And my birthday happened to fall right in the middle of some of the worst of it all.
But, here is the amazing thing, the thing that I cannot believe is really true, the thing that I would hope gives some small bit of hope to anyone in the midst of a wait themselves, the thing is that one year later, I am happier than I have ever been before. All that waiting, that stuff is still very present in my heart and mind, I didn't forget it and it didn't go away. It seems no less awful looking back on it than it did while I was in it. I would never pretend that it wasn't that bad because that would simply let people know that I was lying. The thins is that it was that bad and I still remember how hard it all was AND...it was all one hundred percent worthwhile.
All that we went through was so very much worthwhile because now, one year later, I know what it feels like to love your own child and I have never experienced anything like it. Now, one year later, I know what it feels like to be proud of the tiny person that your child is becoming right before your eyes. Now, one year later, I get to come home from work and pick up this precious little being who is always happy to see me. Now, one year later, I am a mom of a kid who makes me laugh even after the worst of days. And it hasn't even been a whole year of being her mom yet.
You know how people say that every hard thing that you go through, every insanely awful and terrible thing that you have to endure, eventually brings you to the exact place that you are supposed to be. I have to say that, now, I believe it. This is the exact place where I am supposed to be and if that situation, one year ago, on my birthday, had been a yes instead of a no, then I never would have made it here.
So this year, when my birthday rolls around, I don't need much (though I will always accept cupcakes) because my true gift is already here. This family that I am a member of, this child that I get to call my daughter, the waiting that I went through but that is now behind me, all of this is my gift. And that is more than enough for me.
It just so happens to be the perfect time for me to remember where I was exactly one year ago. Last year's birthday was rough. Really rough. My birthday last year happened to fall on a Jewish holiday, and not a fun one. That alone wouldn't have been so bad, but it also just so happened that we were in the middle of one of our first times being presented to an expectant mother through our adoption agency. We had been on the wait list for three months. The waiting was already simply awful.
So as my birthday rolls around this year, I keep thinking back on what it was like last year. Looking back, I am pretty sure that I was in a bit of a depression. The adoption wait was as hard as everyone had said it was going to be and at moments, it was harder. And the not knowing. It was killer. Every day of that waiting felt like our real lives were on pause, like we were just kind of waiting around for someone to come and hit play again. And my birthday happened to fall right in the middle of some of the worst of it all.
But, here is the amazing thing, the thing that I cannot believe is really true, the thing that I would hope gives some small bit of hope to anyone in the midst of a wait themselves, the thing is that one year later, I am happier than I have ever been before. All that waiting, that stuff is still very present in my heart and mind, I didn't forget it and it didn't go away. It seems no less awful looking back on it than it did while I was in it. I would never pretend that it wasn't that bad because that would simply let people know that I was lying. The thins is that it was that bad and I still remember how hard it all was AND...it was all one hundred percent worthwhile.
All that we went through was so very much worthwhile because now, one year later, I know what it feels like to love your own child and I have never experienced anything like it. Now, one year later, I know what it feels like to be proud of the tiny person that your child is becoming right before your eyes. Now, one year later, I get to come home from work and pick up this precious little being who is always happy to see me. Now, one year later, I am a mom of a kid who makes me laugh even after the worst of days. And it hasn't even been a whole year of being her mom yet.
You know how people say that every hard thing that you go through, every insanely awful and terrible thing that you have to endure, eventually brings you to the exact place that you are supposed to be. I have to say that, now, I believe it. This is the exact place where I am supposed to be and if that situation, one year ago, on my birthday, had been a yes instead of a no, then I never would have made it here.
So this year, when my birthday rolls around, I don't need much (though I will always accept cupcakes) because my true gift is already here. This family that I am a member of, this child that I get to call my daughter, the waiting that I went through but that is now behind me, all of this is my gift. And that is more than enough for me.
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