Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mothers' Day

I found myself unexpectedly emotional today.  Waking up and being a mom on Mothers' Day caught me by surprise.  I sort of expected that I would not feel much.  In my mind, Mothers' Day has always been about my own mother.  The gratitude that I feel towards her has only multiplied since Millie entered my life.  She has been my very best teacher in what it means to be a mother and if I manage to be half the mother to Millie that my mom has been to me, then I will be doing just fine.  So anyway, that was what I thought today would be about.  And in many ways it was.  But it was also so much more.

I thought a lot today about last year on Mothers' Day and I remember being so so sad.  I remember how hard it was to celebrate something that I was so very clearly not.  I remember it being so hard to be around all of the mothers in my life when Carla and I were so frustrated with the adoption process at that point.  And I also thought a lot today about the women, whose stories I have read and continue to read, who are still traveling their roads towards becoming mothers.  I have carved out such a large space in my heart for them and for their families.  And I thought a lot about all of you today.  I know how hard it is to not yet be a mother on Mothers' Day.  I know how awful this day can feel and I can only hope that those of you who are in that position today will hold tightly to the people that you love.  I can only hope that you were good to yourselves today and that you took time to remember that one day this day will be so so good for you. And all that you are going through right now is going to make that day so much sweeter and is going to make you such a strong, incredible, awe-inspring mom.   Last year at this time, I never ever would have thought that by the very next Mothers' Day we, too, would be mothers.  And yet. Here we are.

Today when I looked at Millie, I was overcome with gratitude.  I feel so very lucky to be her mom.  There are still days when it feels too good to be true.  I am not saying that it is always easy, or fun, or that there aren't moments when I look at her and ask her, out loud, why she just won't go to sleep. And, with all of that, I still feel so so lucky to be her mom.  Going through the adoption process, as frustrating as it was, and ending up here feels like a miracle.  And I could never have asked for a more perfect daughter for Carla and me and today I felt that truth in every inch of my being.

Celebrating our moms also felt different today.  It felt bigger.  I felt more gratitude.  I felt more understanding.  Carla and I are so incredibly lucky to have the moms that we have.  We have learned how to love from women who exemplify what that means.  We have learned how to sacrifice from women who would do anything in this world for us.  We have learned how to be strong from two of the strongest women that I have ever known.  We have learned how to be mothers from two women who live their lives as what mothers are supposed to be.  Today I really understood that.  Today I was incredibly thankful.

And part of the emotion for me today was thinking about Millie's birthmother.  My heart swells when I think of her.  We haven't heard from her in a while.  Today, I thought a lot about her.  I don't often share much about her because I have the utmost respect for this woman and I would never ever want to tell any part of her story for her.  But today I can't help but express my love for this woman.  This woman who was, and will always be, Millie's first mother.  I think about what this woman has done for Millie and the love that it took to make the decision she made and I am overwhelmed by it.  I am in awe of her and I admire her so very much.  No matter what, she will be a part of Millie's life because we will tell her about the incredible woman that she is and I know that Millie will learn from the courage and the love that her birth mother possesses.  I know that she would be so happy to see the amount of love that surrounds Millie and to know that Millie is being raised in happiness and in love and in so many good things.  I can't ever pretend to know what she feels when she thinks about us or about Millie, but I have to imagine that her heart hurt a little bit today and that just sends the most intense emotions right through me.  Whatever she is thinking today, whatever she is doing, I hope that she knows that she is, and will always, be a part of Millie's life and heart and a part of this family.

So our first Mothers' Day was good. So so very good.  My heart felt full all day long.  I felt lucky and grateful and intensely content with the life that I am living.  Sometimes it feels as if I am undeserving of so much goodness.  But I am happy to accept it.  Happy to be living it.  And happy to know that there is so much more goodness ahead.

1 comment:

  1. All of your posts touch me deeply, but none more than this because in writing it your sensitivity, appreciation, wisdom, strength, and loving nature shines through in every word. You and Carla are, and will always be, extraordinary mothers for Millie.