Thursday, June 13, 2013


Each month, we print off pictures of Millie, write the dates they were taken on the back, and put them inside of a card for Millie's birthparents.  Each month, we write an update to her birthparents to try to let them know what is going on in Millie's life and then we send the whole thing off.  And each month, I worry so much about whether or not we sent the right pictures, whether or not we wrote the right information, whether or not we are able to give them some small amount of peace that Millie is doing well and growing up healthy and happy.

As I have mentioned before, I purposely don't write much about Millie's birthparents on this blog.  I have too much respect for them and for their story to attempt to tell any of it as my own.  I would never want to give away information that is private to them and I would never want to assume to know in any way what this journey has been like and is like for them.  But, I have been thinking about them a lot lately and I thought this would be a good place to try and put some of those thoughts down.

Since we brought Millie home, we have been telling her the story of her birth family and of her first month of life before she was with us.  We have told her how much love her birth parents have for her and how she will always be a part of two families, our family and her birth family.  Since we brought Millie home, we have made sure to keep her birth family at the forefront of our hearts and minds and to make sure that we always make them a part of our life and a part of Millie's life.  Carla and I are so committed to making sure that Millie knows who she came from, who her first family was and that her birth family will always be a part of who she is.

I know that as Millie grows up we will continue to tell her all that we know about her birthparents.  I also know that as Millie grows up there will be difficult questions and ones that we might not even be able to answer for her.  I know that there will be uncomfortable moments and moments when both Millie and we will have to wrestle with difficult emotions. And I also know that any difficult moments will still be infinitely better than if we attempted to keep any information from her or lie to her about her own life and her own story.  I have confidence that Millie will be able to deal with the tough stuff because we will raise her to know who she is and to be proud of who she is and I believe that this is what makes a person strong.

And while I know that we will do everything that we can to keep Millie's birthparents a part of her life and a part of her story, we also know that we have no control over how they choose or how they are able to be a part of her life.  We have not heard from Millie's birthparents in a while.  I will not even begin to try and claim to know why we haven't heard from them.  All I can say is that I know they have their reasons.  Though we haven't heard from them, we continue to make contact.  We continue to send texts and send pictures and send written updates.  And we will continue to do these things until they ask us not to.

We want to make sure that they know that our door is always open for them.  We want to make sure that they know that we understand if they can't text us back right now or write us back right now.  We want to make sure that they know that we understand if they can't meet up with us right now or see Millie right now.  And, we also want them to know that if and when they ARE ready, we will be there too.  There will always be space for them in our family, just as we know there will always be space for Millie in their family, even if that space is not physical.

This open adoption stuff is not easy.  It is not all laid out in a way that is easy to follow.  We are creating our own path every day and we are creating our own relationships every day.  I am sure that we have made and will continue to make mistakes.  And I also know that our hearts are open and that we truly believe in what we are trying to do and I believe that will make up for all the missteps that we might take along the way.

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