Well, according to our blog counter, we have been waiting for two months. We have been on our agency's wait list for two months. It has been possible for birthparents to find us for two months. And what I have learned in two months is that I must find things in my life to take comfort in. I find myself enveloped in uncertainty. I have no way of knowing when our child will arrive. I have no way of knowing what heartbreaks and what happinesses lie ahead. I have no way of knowing how our lives will change in the future. And as I have mentioned before, I don't do that well with uncertainty.
It seems that because of all of this major uncertainty, the small daily uncertainties suddenly seem unmanageable. We have a new schedule at school. This suddenly seems like a really big deal, like a huge obstacle. Our district began using a new math program. This, also, suddenly seems like a huge deal. Any small thing that I encounter that I don't feel completely sure of, stresses me out. To be honest, these things would stress me out no matter what, but I do wonder if my somewhat dramatic reactions to all of this has more to do with the uncertainties of adoption that I realize.
These past two weeks have been pretty tough. All the not knowing has been getting to me. And so I have had to force myself to find comfort in things (besides just in ice cream) because I know we have a long way to go still and I can't imagine that living like this for all that time is going to be very successful or enjoyable (for me or for those around me).
So the realization that I have come to is that I must start to take comfort in the things that ARE certain in my life. I must take comfort in the things I know for sure. For example, I am certain that everyday that I come home from work there are going to be three furry animals there to greet me at the door. I am certain that I have an incredible family who will always support me and be there for me. I am certain that I have friends and coworkers and coworkers who are friends that are there to make me laugh and to listen to me vent. I am certain that I have people who have known me long enough to know that they shouldn't ask how the adoption stuff is going because they know that when I am ready, I will share. I am certain that I have a job that fulfills me in incredible ways. I am certain that every day that I go to work, I will be greeted by the eager faces of twenty one children who are so ready to learn and to be inspired by the world around them. And I am certain that through all of this, through all the uncertainty, I have a wife who constantly amazes me. I have a partner that I am so proud of and who makes my life so full.
Those are the things in my life that I am certain of. That I know without a doubt. Those are the things that will not change no matter what happens with our adoption process. I cannot let myself forget about all of that just because I am overwhelmed by the stuff that is less certain. I cannot let myself stop enjoying what I have while I wait. So as of today, I promise myself, and anyone who happens to be reading this, that I will take comfort in the certain things. I will remember how lucky I am in this life and I will let that keep me company through the rest of this adoption journey.