It feels like we have been on this huge quest to get as much done for the adoption paperwork as we can in the least amount of time. Carla and I both feel like this paperwork is the last thing that we have any control over in this process. We know that we are going to have to wait for quite a while to be matched with a birthmother. We know that we might even have to wait longer than most other couples simply because we are gay. Truly we have come to terms with that, but we feel like the paperwork is not going to be the thing that holds us up. So in the last two weeks we have filled out many forms, taken two online classes (we have one more to go), prepared our house to be completely fire safe, taken our CPR class and this morning we got our fingerprints done. We just went to the post office and dropped off a huge packet of DCFC paperwork that needed to be done including the forms regarding our fingerprints. And for perhaps the greatest accomplishment is that this morning I made a doctor's appointment. Now for most people this would be no great accomplishment. However, I cannot remember the last time I made a doctor's appointment. But thanks to the recommendation of a close friend, I have found a doctor and will be going for a physical in two weeks. Yikes!
So with that we are just a little bit closer to finishing all the paperwork. The doctor will be able to fill out my health form and that will feel like a huge relief. After that we are left to work on our dear birthparent letter and our profile (kind of like a big scrapbook to show a birthparent who we are and what our lives are like). On that note, we are starting to gather pictures that might look good to show people what our life is like. If any of you out there reading this happen to have any great pictures of Carla and I doing something that looks like fun, please email them to me so we can use them for the book.
Well that is it for now. I thought I would sneak in a quick post since I took this morning off in order to get those fingerprints taken care of. I must now get back to the part of my life that doesn't involve adoption!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Seeking Support
On Thursday night, Carla and I attended our first support group. We are lucky enough to live fairly close to one of Chicago's gay and lesbian centers. The Center on Halsted has been a great resource for me in the past and once again has proven to have exactly what I needed. In one of the many emails I receive from the center, I saw that a new support group was beginning for gay and lesbian couples considering adoption or in the adoption process. After making a phone call, Carla and I were all signed up.
Now normally, this is the type of thing that would make both Carla and I incredibly nervous. We don't love having to be social with people we don't know and we are particularly skilled at meeting new people (I believe I have mentioned this before). But something was different this time. We both said that neither one of us felt in the least bit nervous. We decided that we had been through enough situations at this point where we were talking about our adoption process with total strangers that it didn't really phase us anymore. So off we went, excited about the opportunity to connect with other gay couples dealing with adoption.
We were of course early and when we reached the room where the group was meeting, the lights were off and we wondered if we were in the right place. After a trip back downstairs and then back upstairs again we found the women who would be leading our group. For a while we were the only couple there, so we chatted with the facilitators of the group. A few moments after the meeting was supposed to begin, a second couple walked in. And so the group would consist of just us and this other couple. The facilitators told us that the following week they knew of at least two other couples who would be there, but we began with just the four of us.
While I won't bore you with all the details we discussed, I would like to at least say that I loved being there. Carla and I both said that we loved having a place where we could just talk about what we were going through. This process has become so consuming and yet, I often struggle to find the right time to talk about it with those around me. It just never seems to be the right time. It was nice to have a place where that was what we HAD to talk about. It was our purpose for being there. I also loved having a place to focus on issues specifically connected to being a gay or lesbian couple going through the adoption process. Our agency has been wonderful and while they have offered us a huge amount of support, it was nice to be at a place that is specifically geared toward gay and lesbian couples.
We both left feeling really good about the group and about the opportunity to be a part of it. While we are hoping for more couples next time, even just having the few of us sitting around the room was an incredible experience and one I am very thankful for. It makes me feel thankful for living so close to the Center on Halsted and it makes me feel for the people who don't have the luxury to go through a process like this without the support that we have found. I know that not every city has a gay and lesbian center and I know that not every state is as accommodating towards gay and lesbian couples who want to adopt a child. We are lucky. Though we will certainly face our share of challenges, we live in a place where we are well protected by the law and well supported by our community. But not for a second do I forget that there are so many gay and lesbian couples who don't have that on their side and I just hope for a day when no one has to worry that because they live in the wrong state, things are going to be harder for them. I hope changes. I hope that we won't be considered lucky one day just because we are treating like everyone else around us.
Now normally, this is the type of thing that would make both Carla and I incredibly nervous. We don't love having to be social with people we don't know and we are particularly skilled at meeting new people (I believe I have mentioned this before). But something was different this time. We both said that neither one of us felt in the least bit nervous. We decided that we had been through enough situations at this point where we were talking about our adoption process with total strangers that it didn't really phase us anymore. So off we went, excited about the opportunity to connect with other gay couples dealing with adoption.
We were of course early and when we reached the room where the group was meeting, the lights were off and we wondered if we were in the right place. After a trip back downstairs and then back upstairs again we found the women who would be leading our group. For a while we were the only couple there, so we chatted with the facilitators of the group. A few moments after the meeting was supposed to begin, a second couple walked in. And so the group would consist of just us and this other couple. The facilitators told us that the following week they knew of at least two other couples who would be there, but we began with just the four of us.
While I won't bore you with all the details we discussed, I would like to at least say that I loved being there. Carla and I both said that we loved having a place where we could just talk about what we were going through. This process has become so consuming and yet, I often struggle to find the right time to talk about it with those around me. It just never seems to be the right time. It was nice to have a place where that was what we HAD to talk about. It was our purpose for being there. I also loved having a place to focus on issues specifically connected to being a gay or lesbian couple going through the adoption process. Our agency has been wonderful and while they have offered us a huge amount of support, it was nice to be at a place that is specifically geared toward gay and lesbian couples.
We both left feeling really good about the group and about the opportunity to be a part of it. While we are hoping for more couples next time, even just having the few of us sitting around the room was an incredible experience and one I am very thankful for. It makes me feel thankful for living so close to the Center on Halsted and it makes me feel for the people who don't have the luxury to go through a process like this without the support that we have found. I know that not every city has a gay and lesbian center and I know that not every state is as accommodating towards gay and lesbian couples who want to adopt a child. We are lucky. Though we will certainly face our share of challenges, we live in a place where we are well protected by the law and well supported by our community. But not for a second do I forget that there are so many gay and lesbian couples who don't have that on their side and I just hope for a day when no one has to worry that because they live in the wrong state, things are going to be harder for them. I hope changes. I hope that we won't be considered lucky one day just because we are treating like everyone else around us.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
What a week!
Hello all!
It's been a while (it seems as if I am always starting that way). This week has been a complete whirlwind. On Tuesday, we had our second meeting with our adoption counselor. I spent the days leading up to the meeting convincing myself that they were going to tell us that we don't make enough money to adopt a baby. For the most part, this was an irrational fear of mine and I totally let it get the best of me. But I suppose that is what this process is starting to do. At each step we reveal more and more information about who we are and it seems like the agency is constantly looking at that information and deciding if it makes us ready to do this thing. Again, that is a somewhat skewed version of what really happens, but it feels as if we are in constant scrutiny and that someone else is determining if we are ready to adopt. When I step back and look at it, I know that they just want us to think about all the things that will occur and they want us to plan and be ready and I truly am thankful for that. It is just incredibly nerve wracking as we are going through it.
In actuality, we had a great meeting with our counselor on Tuesday. She even told us that she liked working with us because we were so open and honest and we were exactly who we said we were. It is true. Carla and I don't hide much, mostly because we are incapable of it. When we are happy it is obvious and when we are freaked out, that is obvious too. So I am glad that she saw that as a good thing. The purpose of the meeting was really to go over the financial paperwork we turned in, review the next steps, and give us more paperwork to fill out. Much of the next round of paperwork is the DCFS licensing paperwork. In Illinois, in order to be approved to adopt a child, you have to be licensed to be foster parents through DCFS. This does not mean that we will ever be foster parents or even hold the title of foster parents, but it is just how they do things here. And that requires a lot of paperwork. It also requires things like making sure we have fire extinguishers (which we now have on every floor), working fire/smoke/carbon monoxide detectors (which we also now have on every floor), and even a fire escape ladder from the room that will be the child's room (you guessed it, we now have one of those as well). So in the coming weeks we will be working our way through the fairly large stack of papers we were given.
The last piece of our meeting on Tuesday was our counselor talking with us about the profile that we will be making. We looked at some examples and talked through what we needed to do. Essentially we are creating a book that will tell someone who we are and what our lives are like. Some of these books were super fancy, while others were simple and straightforward. Knowing Carla and I, we are going to end up somewhere in the middle. But this will certainly require calling on all of our most creative friends to help put this thing together. It is hard to imagine creating a document that will be able to convey the kind of people that we are, the relationship that we have, and the life that we live. However, as we flipped through the books that we were given as examples, I was definitely able to gain an understanding of the kind of people that created those books and the types of families that they were.
I left the meeting feeling good and Carla left the meeting feeling motivated. As soon as we got home we were filling out more papers and yesterday we made a big trip to Home Depot to purchase all of the fire equipment we needed for the house. We also left the meeting and came home to sign up for our next class which was on Thursday. So on Wednesday, we spent the evening do the homework that we were given for Thursday night's class.
On Thursday, I rushed home to let the poor dog out, who has been somewhat neglected due to all this adoption stuff this week. Carla came home and then we were off to our class. Thursday's class was all about openness. The class really helped us to understand the real logistics of maintaining an open adoption. One of the most powerful things for me was a video that we watched of an adult woman who had been adopted and had not met her birthparents until she was in her 20's. In the video, she was asked how her life would have been different had she known about her birthparents at an early age. She explained that her life would have been filled with much less questioning. She wouldn't have always had to worry about if the person who she passed on the street who happened to look a bit like her was really her birth mother. She wouldn't have always had to wonder about who her birthparents were because she would have known. It just reinforced for me the power of having an open adoption.
It was clear that each couple in the class was at a very different place in terms of their feelings about open adoption. Carla and I are feeling really good about open adoption and really believe it is what is best for the child. But from the comments that some of the other couples made, it was clear that they weren't so sure yet. It was interesting to see how everyone felt about it and where everyone was in their beliefs about how it will work for them.
Thursday's class went until 8:45 and I have to say that the last few hours were really a challenge after a long day of work. It was hard to stay focused, but, as always, I walked away from the class with a renewed sense of peace that we are working with The Cradle. The education that they are giving us has been invaluable. I learn so much from each experience and I am constantly being asked to stretch my thinking in ways that lead me to a better place.
So now, there is more paperwork to do. We need to get started on a rough draft of our profile. We have a bunch of online classes to take and two more in-person classes to take. We have to get ourselves certified in infant CPR and eventually we need to get ourselves a clean bill of health from a doctor (which you know is a place I DREAD going.) So there is still lots to do as we continue along this journey. While I know it is going to take a long time to reach the end of all of this, I am thankful for the time that we have now and I am thankful for the work that we are being asked to do.
It's been a while (it seems as if I am always starting that way). This week has been a complete whirlwind. On Tuesday, we had our second meeting with our adoption counselor. I spent the days leading up to the meeting convincing myself that they were going to tell us that we don't make enough money to adopt a baby. For the most part, this was an irrational fear of mine and I totally let it get the best of me. But I suppose that is what this process is starting to do. At each step we reveal more and more information about who we are and it seems like the agency is constantly looking at that information and deciding if it makes us ready to do this thing. Again, that is a somewhat skewed version of what really happens, but it feels as if we are in constant scrutiny and that someone else is determining if we are ready to adopt. When I step back and look at it, I know that they just want us to think about all the things that will occur and they want us to plan and be ready and I truly am thankful for that. It is just incredibly nerve wracking as we are going through it.
In actuality, we had a great meeting with our counselor on Tuesday. She even told us that she liked working with us because we were so open and honest and we were exactly who we said we were. It is true. Carla and I don't hide much, mostly because we are incapable of it. When we are happy it is obvious and when we are freaked out, that is obvious too. So I am glad that she saw that as a good thing. The purpose of the meeting was really to go over the financial paperwork we turned in, review the next steps, and give us more paperwork to fill out. Much of the next round of paperwork is the DCFS licensing paperwork. In Illinois, in order to be approved to adopt a child, you have to be licensed to be foster parents through DCFS. This does not mean that we will ever be foster parents or even hold the title of foster parents, but it is just how they do things here. And that requires a lot of paperwork. It also requires things like making sure we have fire extinguishers (which we now have on every floor), working fire/smoke/carbon monoxide detectors (which we also now have on every floor), and even a fire escape ladder from the room that will be the child's room (you guessed it, we now have one of those as well). So in the coming weeks we will be working our way through the fairly large stack of papers we were given.
The last piece of our meeting on Tuesday was our counselor talking with us about the profile that we will be making. We looked at some examples and talked through what we needed to do. Essentially we are creating a book that will tell someone who we are and what our lives are like. Some of these books were super fancy, while others were simple and straightforward. Knowing Carla and I, we are going to end up somewhere in the middle. But this will certainly require calling on all of our most creative friends to help put this thing together. It is hard to imagine creating a document that will be able to convey the kind of people that we are, the relationship that we have, and the life that we live. However, as we flipped through the books that we were given as examples, I was definitely able to gain an understanding of the kind of people that created those books and the types of families that they were.
I left the meeting feeling good and Carla left the meeting feeling motivated. As soon as we got home we were filling out more papers and yesterday we made a big trip to Home Depot to purchase all of the fire equipment we needed for the house. We also left the meeting and came home to sign up for our next class which was on Thursday. So on Wednesday, we spent the evening do the homework that we were given for Thursday night's class.
On Thursday, I rushed home to let the poor dog out, who has been somewhat neglected due to all this adoption stuff this week. Carla came home and then we were off to our class. Thursday's class was all about openness. The class really helped us to understand the real logistics of maintaining an open adoption. One of the most powerful things for me was a video that we watched of an adult woman who had been adopted and had not met her birthparents until she was in her 20's. In the video, she was asked how her life would have been different had she known about her birthparents at an early age. She explained that her life would have been filled with much less questioning. She wouldn't have always had to worry about if the person who she passed on the street who happened to look a bit like her was really her birth mother. She wouldn't have always had to wonder about who her birthparents were because she would have known. It just reinforced for me the power of having an open adoption.
It was clear that each couple in the class was at a very different place in terms of their feelings about open adoption. Carla and I are feeling really good about open adoption and really believe it is what is best for the child. But from the comments that some of the other couples made, it was clear that they weren't so sure yet. It was interesting to see how everyone felt about it and where everyone was in their beliefs about how it will work for them.
Thursday's class went until 8:45 and I have to say that the last few hours were really a challenge after a long day of work. It was hard to stay focused, but, as always, I walked away from the class with a renewed sense of peace that we are working with The Cradle. The education that they are giving us has been invaluable. I learn so much from each experience and I am constantly being asked to stretch my thinking in ways that lead me to a better place.
So now, there is more paperwork to do. We need to get started on a rough draft of our profile. We have a bunch of online classes to take and two more in-person classes to take. We have to get ourselves certified in infant CPR and eventually we need to get ourselves a clean bill of health from a doctor (which you know is a place I DREAD going.) So there is still lots to do as we continue along this journey. While I know it is going to take a long time to reach the end of all of this, I am thankful for the time that we have now and I am thankful for the work that we are being asked to do.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
A most difficult checklist
Well, the first round of paperwork has been completed. The autobiographies have been written. Both Carla and I have finished writing our life stories. If that assignment wasn't enough, we then had to complete the most difficult checklist of our lives. The checklist asked us to say whether or not we were willing to be presented to birthmothers who had certain medical conditions themselves or in their families. The list also asked us to check whether or not we were willing to be presented to birthmothers who had some exposure to drugs, tobacco, or alcohol during their pregnancy. The checklist does not mean that we will absolutely adopt any child with this medical history, but that we are willing to be presented to a birthmother with these certain medical histories. If that mother were to choose us, we would still be presented with the specific information about this woman, the birthfather, and their families. Only then would we have to commit to whether or not we would be able to go forward with an adoption.
It is unbelievable difficult to fill out this type of a checklist. We would all like to say that we would happily adopt any child that came our way. However, this process requires us to be completely honest about what we are actually able to deal with and what our lives will allow us to care for in a child. Carla and I both had to get past the idea that it felt wrong to say there were conditions that we were not equipped to deal with. We had to get a more honest place of accepting what we feel we can truly do. We want to be able to provide our child with everything that he or she will require and if we can't do that, we would rather be honest about it now.
As we were filling out the checklist, we couldn't help but think about how many of these medical conditions exist in our own family histories. With any birth, with any child, there are risks that are involved. It is impossible to have a child who is not at risk for anything, but I suppose that is just a part of being a parent. Knowing that there are risks and knowing that you are going to be there for your child no matter what happens throughout his or her life. Looking at it from that perspective helped us to fill out our checklist with a bit more ease.
We finally got it done. We completed the rest of what we had to do and we have now scheduled our next meeting with our adoption counselor for January 17th so that we will hopefully be able to register for the next class that we need which is being offered on January 19th.
It is unbelievable difficult to fill out this type of a checklist. We would all like to say that we would happily adopt any child that came our way. However, this process requires us to be completely honest about what we are actually able to deal with and what our lives will allow us to care for in a child. Carla and I both had to get past the idea that it felt wrong to say there were conditions that we were not equipped to deal with. We had to get a more honest place of accepting what we feel we can truly do. We want to be able to provide our child with everything that he or she will require and if we can't do that, we would rather be honest about it now.
As we were filling out the checklist, we couldn't help but think about how many of these medical conditions exist in our own family histories. With any birth, with any child, there are risks that are involved. It is impossible to have a child who is not at risk for anything, but I suppose that is just a part of being a parent. Knowing that there are risks and knowing that you are going to be there for your child no matter what happens throughout his or her life. Looking at it from that perspective helped us to fill out our checklist with a bit more ease.
We finally got it done. We completed the rest of what we had to do and we have now scheduled our next meeting with our adoption counselor for January 17th so that we will hopefully be able to register for the next class that we need which is being offered on January 19th.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Autobiography of Jessica Lifshitz
As part of the paperwork that we have to complete before we can have our next meeting with our adoption counselor, Carla and I each have to write an autobiography that provides answers to a very long list of questions. I decided to try starting mine today and while I think I have only answered about 1/8 of the questions, I have already written three pages. I cannot believe that anyone is going to be able to read what I am writing without falling asleep from boredom. My life is just not that interesting and yet I seem to have a whole lot to say about it. Like most things, I am probably way over-thinking this thing and probably don't need to be writing half as much as I am actually writing. But that's just not how I do things. Why say what you have to say in ten words when you can use fifty words to say the same thing. I am pretty sure that if I were to grade my own writing as a teacher, I would point out a whole lot of places where I have said the same thing multiple times in different words. I am pretty sure I have taught the kids that they should never do that. Oh well!
I am going to walk away from it for a bit and try again in a few hours. If this is only the start of the paperwork, I cannot even begin to imagine how long it is all going to take.
I will keep you all posted on the progress. I just needed to take a break!
I am going to walk away from it for a bit and try again in a few hours. If this is only the start of the paperwork, I cannot even begin to imagine how long it is all going to take.
I will keep you all posted on the progress. I just needed to take a break!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Adoption 101
Carla and I arrived at The Cradle twenty minutes early (which is actually cutting it close for us) for our Adoption 101 all day class. We were going to spend the day (from 8:30 until 4:30) with other couples beginning the adoption process with The Cradle. Though we were not thrilled at the idea of spending our entire Saturday in our first adoption class, we were excited and anxious to get the day started. We were clearly the first ones there and walked into the room where we would be spending the day, totally unsure of what to expect. The women who were leading the class greeted us with smiles and warmth and we started to relax just a bit.
For those of you who know us, you know that Carla and I don't particularly thrive in situations where we have to make small talk with strangers. So as people started to file in, we kept ourselves occupied by looking through the binder that we were given and by giggling amongst ourselves (something that we ARE particularly good at). I expected to feel some strange competition with the people who we were sitting in this class with. After all, these are going to be the other couples on the waiting list with us. It's hard not to think about if they will get picked before us and if someone will choose them over us. But in all honesty, I didn't feel any competition. Instead, I felt comforted to be surrounded by other people who were in the same place as us. Other people who had the same fears and worries that we did. Other people who could really empathize with what we were going through.
The day started with a tour of the building, including the on-site nursery. The Cradle is the only adoption agency in the country with an on-site nursery (which is pretty amazing). The nursery is a place where babies can go while final decisions are being made. If a baby is born and the mother contacts The Cradle, they still require her to go through several weeks of options counseling to make sure that adoption is the right choice for her. Instead of placing a baby with a family and then having to take the baby back if the mother changes her mind, the babies are placed in The Cradle nursery. That way, the birth mother has the time and space she needs to make the best decision for her and the baby and the adoptive parents don't have the baby in their home just to have to take the baby back if a change of heart occurs. It is a pretty wonderful system. Yesterday, there were four babies in the nursery. There are trained nurses on call 24 hours a day and a two year waiting list to be a volunteer baby cuddler!
Anyway, after the tour, things finally got started. The first activity we did was pretty powerful and set the tone for the rest of the day. We were asked to take something of value that we had on us, that would fit in the palm of our hands. Though it took me a minute to figure out what on earth I could use, I quickly saw Carla taking off her wedding ring and figured that was what they had in mind. Sure enough, most people chose to use their wedding ring. Anyway, we were split into two groups: group A and Group B. Carla and I were in group A. Group A was told to place the object of importance in a basket that was passed around. We were told to keep our eyes straight ahead while each person in group B was then asked to pick one of our items out of the basket. Now, I knew this was just an exercise and I knew that we would get our objects back, but I still had quite a bit of anxiety that someone was holding onto my wedding ring and I had no idea who it was. Once everyone had picked a new item, four of the people with items were asked to show what they had. I got to see who had my wedding ring and I oddly felt a little bit better about it. The whole idea was to show us what it was like to be the one giving up something special, what it was like to be the one with the special item, what it was like to not know who had your special item, and the instant connection that was formed when you knew who had your special item. We then discussed how these feelings could be applied to the adoption situation. It helped us to build empathy for the birthmother, helped us to see the benefits of an open adoption, and helped us to see how much emotion was involved in the whole process. It was a really great way to start the day.
The next part of the morning required us to talk about our fears and concerns in starting this process. It was amazing how quickly everyone opened up and I soon found myself explaining to a room full of strangers how scary it was to be a same-sex couple opening ourselves up to other people's judgements and prejudices. I talked about our fears of not being accepted as possible parents by some birthmothers or their families. As I finished sharing our fears, a man across the room loudly said to the whole room, "Well, I hope you know that you are accepted here with us." It was such a kind gesture. Such a genuine sentiment and it meant so much to both of us. It was the first time, of many, that I found myself trying to hold back tears during the day.
The rest of the day was filled with many more exercises, speakers, videos, and discussions. We heard from an adult adoptee from Peru, a gay man who had adopted a child with his partner, and two other families who had adopted children one as a domestic adoption and one as an international adoption. It was an emotional day and helped us to think through a lot of the issues surrounding adoption. There was a whole section dedicated to multicultural families which really helped me to see some of this issues that I had not thought about in terms of multicultural families. So many things were brought up throughout the day that I just hadn't thought about before and I appreciated the opportunity to start thinking of the many things that are involved with the adoption process.
I am not sure what exactly caused the switch in me, but at some point during the day I began to find more peace with this process. I started to have more faith in it. I came to believe that though we would probably have to wait a pretty long time, there was going to be a birthmother who came along and chose us as the ones she wanted to raise her child. Again, I don't know what it was that made me feel better, but by the end of the day I really believed that this was going to happen for us. This was going to be the way that we added a child to our family. Up until yesterday, I was just not convinced that this was really going to work, that we would ever be chosen. And at some point during the long day yesterday, I came to believe that it was going to work. That we would be chosen. That the right child would find us. And that is what I took away from Adoption 101.
For those of you who know us, you know that Carla and I don't particularly thrive in situations where we have to make small talk with strangers. So as people started to file in, we kept ourselves occupied by looking through the binder that we were given and by giggling amongst ourselves (something that we ARE particularly good at). I expected to feel some strange competition with the people who we were sitting in this class with. After all, these are going to be the other couples on the waiting list with us. It's hard not to think about if they will get picked before us and if someone will choose them over us. But in all honesty, I didn't feel any competition. Instead, I felt comforted to be surrounded by other people who were in the same place as us. Other people who had the same fears and worries that we did. Other people who could really empathize with what we were going through.
The day started with a tour of the building, including the on-site nursery. The Cradle is the only adoption agency in the country with an on-site nursery (which is pretty amazing). The nursery is a place where babies can go while final decisions are being made. If a baby is born and the mother contacts The Cradle, they still require her to go through several weeks of options counseling to make sure that adoption is the right choice for her. Instead of placing a baby with a family and then having to take the baby back if the mother changes her mind, the babies are placed in The Cradle nursery. That way, the birth mother has the time and space she needs to make the best decision for her and the baby and the adoptive parents don't have the baby in their home just to have to take the baby back if a change of heart occurs. It is a pretty wonderful system. Yesterday, there were four babies in the nursery. There are trained nurses on call 24 hours a day and a two year waiting list to be a volunteer baby cuddler!
Anyway, after the tour, things finally got started. The first activity we did was pretty powerful and set the tone for the rest of the day. We were asked to take something of value that we had on us, that would fit in the palm of our hands. Though it took me a minute to figure out what on earth I could use, I quickly saw Carla taking off her wedding ring and figured that was what they had in mind. Sure enough, most people chose to use their wedding ring. Anyway, we were split into two groups: group A and Group B. Carla and I were in group A. Group A was told to place the object of importance in a basket that was passed around. We were told to keep our eyes straight ahead while each person in group B was then asked to pick one of our items out of the basket. Now, I knew this was just an exercise and I knew that we would get our objects back, but I still had quite a bit of anxiety that someone was holding onto my wedding ring and I had no idea who it was. Once everyone had picked a new item, four of the people with items were asked to show what they had. I got to see who had my wedding ring and I oddly felt a little bit better about it. The whole idea was to show us what it was like to be the one giving up something special, what it was like to be the one with the special item, what it was like to not know who had your special item, and the instant connection that was formed when you knew who had your special item. We then discussed how these feelings could be applied to the adoption situation. It helped us to build empathy for the birthmother, helped us to see the benefits of an open adoption, and helped us to see how much emotion was involved in the whole process. It was a really great way to start the day.
The next part of the morning required us to talk about our fears and concerns in starting this process. It was amazing how quickly everyone opened up and I soon found myself explaining to a room full of strangers how scary it was to be a same-sex couple opening ourselves up to other people's judgements and prejudices. I talked about our fears of not being accepted as possible parents by some birthmothers or their families. As I finished sharing our fears, a man across the room loudly said to the whole room, "Well, I hope you know that you are accepted here with us." It was such a kind gesture. Such a genuine sentiment and it meant so much to both of us. It was the first time, of many, that I found myself trying to hold back tears during the day.
The rest of the day was filled with many more exercises, speakers, videos, and discussions. We heard from an adult adoptee from Peru, a gay man who had adopted a child with his partner, and two other families who had adopted children one as a domestic adoption and one as an international adoption. It was an emotional day and helped us to think through a lot of the issues surrounding adoption. There was a whole section dedicated to multicultural families which really helped me to see some of this issues that I had not thought about in terms of multicultural families. So many things were brought up throughout the day that I just hadn't thought about before and I appreciated the opportunity to start thinking of the many things that are involved with the adoption process.
I am not sure what exactly caused the switch in me, but at some point during the day I began to find more peace with this process. I started to have more faith in it. I came to believe that though we would probably have to wait a pretty long time, there was going to be a birthmother who came along and chose us as the ones she wanted to raise her child. Again, I don't know what it was that made me feel better, but by the end of the day I really believed that this was going to happen for us. This was going to be the way that we added a child to our family. Up until yesterday, I was just not convinced that this was really going to work, that we would ever be chosen. And at some point during the long day yesterday, I came to believe that it was going to work. That we would be chosen. That the right child would find us. And that is what I took away from Adoption 101.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The Initial Consultation
With each new step of this adoption journey comes new emotions that I sometimes feel ill equipped to explain to others. Nothing could be more true of what we experienced this past Friday when we had our initial consultation with the woman who will be our adoption counselor throughout this process.
We met our counselor, Dori, at the offices of our adoption agency at 8:00 in the morning on Friday. She came to the door to let us in and I could immediately feel the warmth that emanated from the small woman. She led us into a comfortable room and left Carla and I alone for a few moments while she finished some things up in her office. The room was filled with pictures of children, stuffed animals, and toys for kids and it could not have been a less threatening environment. However, Carla and I sat there in a high state of anxiety as we waited for this first meeting to begin. We had no idea what to expect. We had no idea what Dori would think of us. We had no idea what the goals for this meeting were. And so, we were left to wonder and worry.
Finally, Dori came in and for the next three hours, the three of us sat around the small, round table and attempted to get to know each other and better understand the process that was about to begin. It’s hard to remember all that took place over the three-hour long meeting. We began with a discussion of who Carla and I were. What we did for a living, how we came to be where we were, and what our relationship was like. It is so hard to explain to someone who has never met you, who you are as individuals and as a couple. But we did our best and I believe that the love between us was obvious to her.
Then Dori asked about our families. In detail. We were not totally prepared for the types of questions that she asked, but it helped us to realize that in this process, nothing is off limits. It is intrusive and personal and we now understand that it has to be. We must be ready to share everything. So we did.
And then Dori began to tell us about the process. What I appreciated most about her was her kind honesty. She was very clear that this is not an easy process. She was very clear that with the current state of international adoption, domestic adoption has become even more difficult. It is more challenging to adopt a child from a foreign country today because of the current changes in adoption laws in other countries. Therefore, there is a higher demand for domestic adoptions, which in turn leads to longer wait times (an average wait time of 18 months). All of that, I could handle with little emotional response.
But then, Dori began to talk about what it was like for a same-sex couple trying to adopt. And that is when my emotions hit hard. There are realities of this world that I know and I understand. However, much of my life is sheltered from those realities. I have a family who is unbelievably accepting and supportive. I have friends who love both Carla and me for exactly who we are. As a teacher, I work in a school that is surprisingly open and supportive. I am able to be out with the full support of my administration, my colleagues, my students, and their parents (to the point that my class threw me a wedding shower before I went to Vermont to marry Carla). I am very lucky. So I don’t often have to confront the realties of how same sex couples are viewed. But the truth is, we are a minority. The truth is that not everyone in this world is comfortable with two women raising a child. And the truth is that even those who are comfortable with the idea, still may not imagine two women when they think of the family they would like to choose to raise the child they are creating an adoption plan for. And so, it is more difficult for two women to be chosen by a birth mother. And there is nothing we can do about that. That was the reality that Dori explained to us and that was the moment of the meeting where I felt most scared and most unsure about this process.
But I have to say. That was just a moment. There were many other moments where I felt so sure that this was the right process for us. And that was the feeling that I walked away with. I fell more in love with this particular agency and more in love with the idea of open adoption. I was excited by the fact that Dori gave us some next steps to take. She gave us, what she called, “The famous green binder.” This binder was filled with paperwork and checklists and all sorts of other things that will get us through the beginning phase of the adoption process known as the home study. So there was a lot to be excited about. For me, it was just that amidst all the excitement was this reality that for some birthmothers, Carla and I would never be considered just because we are two women. No matter how loving we might seem or how much care we put into crafting the perfect image of a stable family, there are some people who would never see anything other than a lesbian couple who are not fit to raise a child. And no matter how I try to reassure myself or how others try to reassure me, that just hurts.
And yet, I still look ahead with excitement. Next Saturday, Carla and I will be attending an all day class called “Adoption 101.” After that, we will start writing our autobiographies for the adoption agency. We will start to have difficult conversations about what types of mental illness, physical illness, and drug and alcohol abuse we are willing to consider in the birthmother. We will start to talk about what issues we are willing to consider in the child himself. And we will start to list out for the agency how much money we make and how much money we spend in a month. Truly, no detail goes unobserved. Once these documents are done, there are more meetings to be had, more classes to take, and much more paperwork to fill out. And I truly look forward to all of it.
So with this first meeting over, I can look ahead with a lot of excitement and some fears as well. I take comfort in knowing that I am surrounded by support. I take comfort in knowing that I have a wonderful partner to go through this process with. And I take comfort in knowing that we have found a wonderful agency and a wonderful adoption counselor to guide us through all of it. And for now, all of that makes this process seem a lot more manageable and a lot less scary.
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