Monday, September 5, 2011

Baby Cravings

Today I had a major case of baby cravings.  It started this morning.  Carla and I began our extra day off by taking our dog, Frankie, for a long walk that ended with Starbuck's and pumpkin scones.  It was perfectly fall-like outside today and it was a perfect walk. Amidst this perfection, I couldn't help but start to think about the future when we will be able to bring a little one along with us on these walks.  I picture Carla and I walking with Frankie, but in this image of the future we are each holding the hand of a little boy or girl.  It makes me smile to think about the three of us (plus Frankie) walking through the streets of our neighborhood on a morning walk.  It got to the point where Carla and I even began to discuss the formation we would have to be in with our one day child in order to keep Frankie happy (she only likes to be in the middle of the two of us on a walk).  And thus began today's baby cravings.

When we returned home from our walk with coffees in hand, we settled in to watch some t.v. before heading off to spend the day with my family.  I have no idea what was on t.v., but I clearly remember a commercial came on with a little girl and I said out loud, "I want a baby so badly!"  And I meant it. With all of my heart, I meant it.  You know, when we first made this decision, I have to be honest, there were still doubts lingering.  Every so often I thought, "Do I really want to do this?"  And slowly, over the past few weeks, I have become more and more sure of this decision.  And in this moment, watching some unknown blonde child on t.v., I really knew with all of my heart that I did want a baby so badly.

And then we were off to my parents house to spend the day with them, my sister, and my adorable four-month-old nephew, Noah.  My sister and I live about an hour away from each other and while I got to see Noah several times a week during the summer when I wasn't teaching, now that I am back at school, I don't get to see him nearly as often as I would like.  So, as always, I was incredibly excited to see him.  But today, it was different.  When I looked at him, and when I looked at my sister, all I could think about was the baby who would one day find its way to Carla and I.  I thought about the things we would do together and about being able to give Noah a cousin.  Again, it brought incredible happiness to my heart.

At the same time there was just a smidgen of sadness.  One of my sister's friends, who is pregnant, stopped by the house to see my sister and Noah.  While she was there she began discussing the painting that her husband was doing for the baby's room.  Carla and I gave each other a look, both of us thinking about the recent paint colors we had been thinking about for the room that will one day be a baby's room.  Yes it's true, our extra bedroom currently has several different patches of yellow painted across the walls (another one of those things I am slightly embarrassed that we have done, but we have done anyway).  And while we wanted to join in the discussion of paint colors and decorating, we didn't feel like we could since we hadn't brought up the fact that we wanted to adopt to my sister's friend.  It didn't feel like the right time and so we just sat quietly.  I know that one day it will be different.  One day, when we have gotten further along in the process, it will come up more naturally.  But for now, it is a little sad to stay quiet.

But in our quiet, I take comfort knowing that Carla and I share this exciting secret (well with our families, several of our friends, some of our coworkers, and whoever happens to be reading this).  I take comfort in being so sure of our decision and I take comfort in knowing that soon we will be able to truly start this process that will bring us the child of our dreams.

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