Well, the weddings are over. The gifts have been put away. The thank you notes have been...well, they have been purchased. This past week has passed in a blur fueled by the residual wedding high that has only now started to go away. And now, we are back to the real world and I could not be happier. Yes, I loved the excitement of the past two weekends, but I also love the comfort of sitting on the couch last night with Carla, with a bowl of popcorn, candles lit, watching a movie by ourselves (well, with the dog and cats curled closely by). I love thinking about what is to come. I love being able to turn our attention back to our next adventure of adoption. I am so ready to get things started. And so, I have turned back to the internet.
The internet and I have a love/hate relationship. I love the information that is right at my fingertips and I hate the anxiety that all that information can bring. This morning I went on the website of the adoption agency that we will be using and I started to scroll through the many families listed as potential adoptive families. With each new page of pictures, my mind starts to turn. I start to wonder how we will ever be matched with a birthmother. Sometimes I get so ahead of myself and I start to dread the wait that we haven't even begun yet. I know that I am supposed to stay positive and I completely recognize that if I am already feeling hopeless, then there is no hope for me to stay positive once we actually begin the process. I wish I was the kind of person who could go into this with certainty and positivity and sometimes I am that kind of person. But sometimes, I am not.
I feel the need to confess that I am already having doubts. I have no doubts about this being what I want to do or how I want to do it, but doubts that I am strong enough to make it through the journey that is ahead of us. So I thought I would put that out there into the world of the internet which and love and hate in equal parts and see what comes back.