A Confession

Well, the weddings are over.  The gifts have been put away.  The thank you notes have been...well, they have been purchased.  This past week has passed in a blur fueled by the residual wedding high that has only now started to go away.  And now, we are back to the real world and I could not be happier.  Yes, I loved the excitement of the past two weekends, but I also love the comfort of sitting on the couch last night with Carla, with a bowl of popcorn, candles lit, watching a movie by ourselves (well, with the dog and cats curled closely by).  I love thinking about what is to come.  I love being able to turn our attention back to our next adventure of adoption.  I am so ready to get things started.  And so, I have turned back to the internet.

The internet and I have a love/hate relationship.  I love the information that is right at my fingertips and I hate the anxiety that all that information can bring.  This morning I went on the website of the adoption agency that we will be using and I started to scroll through the many families listed as potential adoptive families.  With each new page of pictures, my mind starts to turn.  I start to wonder how we will ever be matched with a birthmother.  Sometimes I get so ahead of myself and I start to dread the wait that we haven't even begun yet.  I know that I am supposed to stay positive and I completely recognize that if I am already feeling hopeless, then there is no hope for me to stay positive once we actually begin the process.  I wish I was the kind of person who could go into this with certainty and positivity and sometimes I am that kind of person.  But sometimes, I am not.

I feel the need to confess that I am already having doubts.  I have no doubts about this being what I want to do or how I want to do it, but doubts that I am strong enough to make it through the journey that is ahead of us.  So I thought I would put that out there into the world of the internet which and love and hate in equal parts and see what comes back.