Thursday night, I hit bottom. Literally. I fell down the stairs. I blame it on slippery socks and complete and utter exhaustion. I sat in a heap at the bottom of my stairs and cried. As Carla came running down the stairs to check on me, I truly felt like I just gave up in my heart.
Well, there has been forward progress. I am no longer spontaneously erupting into tears (well, maybe, it almost happened once today, but I managed to stop the tears before they fell). I can feel things getting better, however I still find myself deeply entrenched in a pretty serious funk. It's hard. I want to return to my normal self. I want to be able to sleep through the night and not deal with the headaches I have had for the past week. I want to be able to not get frustrated by things easily. I want to be able to make it through a meeting without yelling at my administrators (okay, that might happen no matter what condition I was in). I want to just get over it and be okay. But, sadly, I haven't been able to.
I find myself stuck in this place where I want to act like everything is okay because I know that is what people expect. But, at the same time, I am just not there and the more I pretend to be okay, the worse it seems to get. So I do what I tend to do best. I retreat. I don't answer phone calls. I don't reach out. I tend to walk into my classroom early in the morning and stay hidden safely inside of the walls of my room.
I have been overwhelmed, as I often am, by the support from people in my life. The most unexpected people have reached out in the most wonderful ways. I wish people knew what a difference it makes. When I go to extreme measures to isolate myself, it makes a world of difference just to know people are still thinking of me and ready to provide help when I am ready to accept it. As I have said before, this journey would be much harder without the support of the incredible people in my life.
But I guess that support can only do so much. I don't want to let people down. I don't want people to see that I am just not ready to be positive again quite yet. I don't want people to know that I am still just really sad. I know it's funny that I say I don't want people to know and yet I am writing it for all of you to see. So I guess what I really mean is that I don't really want to explain all those things. I just want to be all of those things.
In a way, I guess this post is sort of my apology.
I am sorry for not being much of a good time right now. I am sorry for not really carrying my weight at work or with my family or with my friends. I am sorry for not really being the Jess that I usually am. I like to think that I will get back there soon. I like to think that this headache of the past few days will go away and I will resume taking joy in the things that used to bring me joy. It is just going to take a few days.
In the mean time, Carla and I are about to go vote. For tonight, I will hope for good things with this election. And then, perhaps after that, I will hope for good things in general.