Drained

I'd like to spare you all the details.  We had another no.  This one was particularly hard because of the timing.  We found out on Tuesday of last week that a mother had requested to see our profile.  She requested us and three other couples.  We decided to tell no one.  We are starting to get how this whole process works and we are coming to realize that the fewer people we tell, the better.  So the waiting began.  Our profiles were given to the mother on Thursday.

On Saturday night, I found out that my grandmother passed away.  My heart instantly hurt for my mother, who has dealt so bravely with so much this past year and now had to deal with the loss of her mother.  My heart hurt for my grandfather who loved my grandmother so very much and whose entire life purpose these past few years has been to take care of her.  Theirs was the kind of love that made you believe that people really do love each other for entire lifetimes.  And now he must find a way to live without her.  I was so deeply saddened.  I wanted to get on a plane the very next day to go and be with him and to be with my mom and to be with her family.

But instead, I was waiting.  I couldn't get on a plane without knowing what decision this mother would come to.  I was so stuck.  I didn't know what decision to make.  And then my mother called and in her infinite kindness and wisdom, she told me that I was not to get on a plane until I knew what was happening.  She reminded me that my grandmother was so excited that we were in the adoption process and she would have wanted me to stay even if there was only a small chance that this could be our child.  My mother will never know how much those words meant to me.  I decided to stay here in Chicago until I heard either way.

On Tuesday we heard.  It was a no.  You would think that this would get easier.  And in some ways it has.  In some ways, knowing what to expect makes the no so much easier.  In other ways, this was the hardest no yet.

Wednesday was Halloween.  An elementary school teacher's most difficult day.  But I went to work.  I allowed myself to get lost in the kids for the day.  I cried a few times while they were out of the room and then I put a smile back on my face and made sure to make the day a good one for them.  As usual, it was hard not to smile around them.  We had a good day.  We had a great party with parent volunteers who took care of every little thing.  I somehow made it through the day and then came home and by the time Carla got home from work, I just sat on the couch and cried.  I haven't really stopped since.

Tomorrow, I will get on a plane and fly to Florida to be with my family.  I so badly want to be able to put my sadness aside to help my mom and my grandfather to deal with their own sadness.  One of the hardest parts of this process for me is that I don't really love the person that I am becoming.  I kind of hate the sad version of me.  I hate the jealous part of me who looks on Facebook and gets a little sad when I see that someone else is pregnant.  I hate the mopey part of me that feels like doing nothing but sitting on the couch and eating the rest of the leftover Halloween candy.  I hate the part of me that dropped my dog off at the "pet hotel" tonight and then got in the car and couldn't stop crying.  I know I have to allow myself to be that person, but it doesn't stop me from disliking it.

I try to always leave these posts with a smidge of positivity.  I can't do it today.  I know that I will feel better after this weekend.  I know that this will all be worth it someday.  But right now, in this moment, I am just kind of miserable.