Well, now we know it does get a bit easier. Not much, but certainly easier than the first time.
That's right. Today we got our second no.
Again, let me back up.
So what I didn't mention in the last post was that on the same day that we got our first no to a potential adoption match, we also were presented with a second situation. This situation was a bit more complicated than the first and there was a bit more to think about. Not only was I still reeling from the first situation not working out, but now I was faced with making a difficult decision that I just didn't feel prepared to make.
The complicated parts of this new situation were a medical condition that we didn't know much about and some family medical history that gave us some things to think about. After I calmed down a bit from the first situation, Carla and I were ready to start thinking about the second situation. It was an unbelievably difficult decision to make. We were forced to be really honest with ourselves and think about what we could handle and what would be right for us and our family. Luckily, I am married to a woman who believes in taking action and learning as much as she can about any situation that we confront. (As a side note, here is an example that helps illustrate the differences in how we handle things. Our back door lock broke. My solution was to call someone to come out and fix it. Carla's solution was to research how to fix the door, buy a six dollar part at Home Depot and fix it herself. Our back door is now fully functional.) So while I sat on the couch completely overwhelmed and paralyzed by the decisions we had to make, Carla researched the medical condition, placed multiple phone calls to doctors, spoke with a child psychologist that we saw present at one of our classes, and ended up speaking with the head of hematology at Children's Memorial Hospital.
By Monday, I was ready to listen to what she had learned. The child in this new situation had a mild form of Hemophilia. He also had some mental health issues in his family. After listening to all the information that she had gathered, I started to believe that maybe we could say yes to this situation. Maybe there was a reason this situation and this child came along when they did. Maybe this was something that we could not only handle, but do really well with. By Tuesday morning, I knew my answer was yes.
So on Friday of last week we were presented to the birth mother. We were one of four families who was presented to this mother. Again, we began the wait.
Waiting for an answer was much easier this time around. It was easier for me to believe that it was truly up to fate. It was easier for me to believe that if this child was supposed to be a part of our family, he would be. It was easier for me to wait calmly and know that what was supposed to happen was going to happen. And so that is what I did.
And then today after school, right before I went into a meeting, I received a text from Carla that we were not chosen. This time, I was able to put it aside for long enough to make it through my meeting (though I certainly was NOT the best version of myself). But as soon as the meeting was over, I was crying in the copy room. Luckily, I was able to get a good solid hug from a coworker and then head home.
On my way home I made the necessary phone calls. Carla, then my sister, and then my mom. I cried to all of them. Received sympathy from all of them. They all knew that there was nothing to really say. Nothing to make it any better. I know all the things that anyone could possibly say. I know that it will happen one day. I know that this meant that this wasn't the baby we were supposed to have. I know that it will all be okay. But in that moment, I just didn't care. I was sad and I was thankful that sad is exactly what they allowed me to be.
One of the hardest parts of this situation was the amount of thinking that we had to do to even say yes. We couldn't help but think about what our lives would be like with this specific child. We had to imagine this specific child in our home. We had to think about what our family would look like with this specific child in it. We had to imagine our lives with this specific child in order to make a responsible and informed decision. And then today we had to un-imagine all of that. That was the part that really got me this time.
Throughout this evening, there were moments of tears, but there were also moments of laughter. I didn't quite feel the complete devastation of the first no, but there is certainly a deep sadness that has settled into a very heavy heart. I do believe that I will wake up tomorrow morning feeling better, but this stuff is just so hard. It is significantly harder than I thought it would be and I am still getting used to all the feelings that go along with this phase of the process.
So tomorrow morning we wake up and return to our normal lives. It is nice to not be waiting for an answer for the first time in two weeks, but it is also scary to not know when the next situation will come along. It is just one of the many sets of conflicting emotions that go along with this adoption process. It is just one of the many things that we must learn to live with for now. But, I am learning to manage. I am learning to let go of the things that are out of my control. And I am learning that there is just no predicting what will come next in this journey that we are on.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Blog Changes
Okay well there is really only one change, but I am very excited about it. I found this new background and feel like it is much more me.
I suppose that's all I have to say for now, but I am sure I will have more later.
I suppose that's all I have to say for now, but I am sure I will have more later.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
One Very Long Week
There were moments this week when I thought I might be sitting down to write a very different kind of blog post. But it turns out that I am writing this post with a pretty heavy heart.
Let me back up. Last Friday, I happened to check my cell phone when my students went off to lunch. There were multiple texts from Carla telling me to call her right away. As two coworkers sat next to me, I called Carla and was told that our adoption counselor had called Carla and told her about a situation that we had to make a decision about. Each time our profile is going to be seen by a birth family, we are contacted to see if we want to be presented or not. So that was the decision before us.
The situation seemed pretty wonderful and stressful all at the same time. The baby had already been born. He was a week old and was at the nursery inside of our adoption agency. The baby was a healthy baby boy, both of the parents were involved in the process, and for whatever reason, the birth family was requesting same-sex couples without children as potential adoptive families. So that is how we were brought up. The only difficult part in saying yes was knowing that if we were chosen, this baby was coming home right away. After only a few minutes, Carla and I knew our answer. Carla called our adoption counselor and told her to go ahead and present our profile to the family.
That moment began the longest week of our lives. We had been well prepared by our adoption agency for this moment. But no amount of preparation really prepares you for what it feels like. We knew we weren't supposed to tell too many people, because all of those people would then have to be told that we weren't chosen if that was the case. We knew we weren't supposed to get excited, because it would only be that much harder to hear if the answer was eventually no. We knew all these things, but they were impossible for us to do.
And just like we were told not to do, I immediately called my mom and sister to tell them both the good news. We were going to be presented. There was a possibility that we were going to be chosen. As soon as I told them, they were excited. There was now this excitement building around me. A few of my co-workers knew, my family knew, and I knew. The thoughts became consuming. We knew that they were not giving the birth family the profiles until Monday, but after that we had no idea how long we would be waiting.
Can I just tell you that the "not knowing" is almost unbearable. Looking back, I don't know how I made it through. It was hard to sleep, it was hard to eat. The only time I really was able to not think about the whole thing was when I was teaching the kids. I started to dread when the kids would leave the room to go to art or music because then I was left alone with my thoughts. As soon as I started thinking, then things were bad.
As the days went on, I completely understood why we were told to be careful of who we told when we were being presented to a birth family. Every time I saw someone who knew, I knew that they were hoping for good news. Every time I talked to someone who knew, I knew that they wanted to hear what we had found out. It was hard to go the whole week with no information to share. At the same time, I don't know how I would have made it through the week if these people didn't know what was going on. I drew so much strength from my family and friends. I drew so much comfort from my coworkers who truly got me through the week. My teaching assistant even resorted to tap dancing for me to help me get my mind off of everything. Talk about true friends! I needed these people to know and though it was hard, I am glad that they were there.
Yesterday was when we found out. I was sitting in a meeting when I felt my phone buzz. Carla told me to call her. I ran outside of the building and called right away. We weren't chosen. None of the families who were presented were chosen. It turns out the birth mother had more to think about then it first seemed.
I was heartbroken.
I didn't think it was going to be that hard to hear the news. I thought I had kept myself realistic. I thought I had prepared myself for a no. But hearing the no was much harder than I thought. Immediately, the tears started. Once they started, they were hard to stop. Here I was, standing outside of my school, in the rain, crying on the phone. A good friend came out to check on me. I asked her to go to my classroom and tell my teaching assistant to just keep teaching. I just needed some time. I told Carla I would call her back. One of the challenges about working in an elementary school is that there are few private places to go. I ended up in our conference room where it quickly became clear to me that I wasn't going to be able to go back into my classroom and teach. I was so unprepared for the emotions that I felt.
Luckily, I work at this really amazing place with these really amazing people. I was able to lean on those around me and figure out how I could just go home. The people who helped me figure it out will never know how thankful I am for them in my life. To know that I could just go home and be sad and not worry about what would happen in my classroom was such an amazing feeling. And so, that is what I did. I left work and just went home.
The rest of the day passed with a lot of tears and a lot of food. We ate our feelings. We cried when we needed to. We told our families. We received a wonderful delivery of wine and ice cream from a very good friend. And we were okay. We are okay. We are sad and we are also okay.
And most importantly, now we know what it feels like. Now we know what to expect.
And now we carry on. It has been an incredibly difficult week. I am drained in a way that I never really thought I would be. I have gone from picturing a baby in our house to knowing that it isn't going to happen, at least not right now. That's a really hard mental shift to make and I am still struggling to settle back into the reality. A big part of me knew it couldn't possibly have been that easy. It couldn't possibly have worked out that nicely. But none of that rational stuff really mattered this week. My heart started thinking of the possibilities and I am glad that I allowed myself to hope.
So now we are really in it. Now I know why this process is so grueling. Now I know why adoption is so very hard. But I also hold on to the knowledge that I know one day it will all be worth it. I know that when it is supposed to work out, it will. It's not that those things make it any easier, it's not that those things make me any less sad about this situation, but those are the things that keep me going. Those are the things that make Carla and I want to regroup and be ready for the next situation that comes along. So a sad week ends and we will allow ourselves to be sad. And we will also know that one day there will be a baby in this house. One day all those people who are waiting and hoping along with us will be able to celebrate instead of comfort. And one day all of this truly will be worth it.
Let me back up. Last Friday, I happened to check my cell phone when my students went off to lunch. There were multiple texts from Carla telling me to call her right away. As two coworkers sat next to me, I called Carla and was told that our adoption counselor had called Carla and told her about a situation that we had to make a decision about. Each time our profile is going to be seen by a birth family, we are contacted to see if we want to be presented or not. So that was the decision before us.
The situation seemed pretty wonderful and stressful all at the same time. The baby had already been born. He was a week old and was at the nursery inside of our adoption agency. The baby was a healthy baby boy, both of the parents were involved in the process, and for whatever reason, the birth family was requesting same-sex couples without children as potential adoptive families. So that is how we were brought up. The only difficult part in saying yes was knowing that if we were chosen, this baby was coming home right away. After only a few minutes, Carla and I knew our answer. Carla called our adoption counselor and told her to go ahead and present our profile to the family.
That moment began the longest week of our lives. We had been well prepared by our adoption agency for this moment. But no amount of preparation really prepares you for what it feels like. We knew we weren't supposed to tell too many people, because all of those people would then have to be told that we weren't chosen if that was the case. We knew we weren't supposed to get excited, because it would only be that much harder to hear if the answer was eventually no. We knew all these things, but they were impossible for us to do.
And just like we were told not to do, I immediately called my mom and sister to tell them both the good news. We were going to be presented. There was a possibility that we were going to be chosen. As soon as I told them, they were excited. There was now this excitement building around me. A few of my co-workers knew, my family knew, and I knew. The thoughts became consuming. We knew that they were not giving the birth family the profiles until Monday, but after that we had no idea how long we would be waiting.
Can I just tell you that the "not knowing" is almost unbearable. Looking back, I don't know how I made it through. It was hard to sleep, it was hard to eat. The only time I really was able to not think about the whole thing was when I was teaching the kids. I started to dread when the kids would leave the room to go to art or music because then I was left alone with my thoughts. As soon as I started thinking, then things were bad.
As the days went on, I completely understood why we were told to be careful of who we told when we were being presented to a birth family. Every time I saw someone who knew, I knew that they were hoping for good news. Every time I talked to someone who knew, I knew that they wanted to hear what we had found out. It was hard to go the whole week with no information to share. At the same time, I don't know how I would have made it through the week if these people didn't know what was going on. I drew so much strength from my family and friends. I drew so much comfort from my coworkers who truly got me through the week. My teaching assistant even resorted to tap dancing for me to help me get my mind off of everything. Talk about true friends! I needed these people to know and though it was hard, I am glad that they were there.
Yesterday was when we found out. I was sitting in a meeting when I felt my phone buzz. Carla told me to call her. I ran outside of the building and called right away. We weren't chosen. None of the families who were presented were chosen. It turns out the birth mother had more to think about then it first seemed.
I was heartbroken.
I didn't think it was going to be that hard to hear the news. I thought I had kept myself realistic. I thought I had prepared myself for a no. But hearing the no was much harder than I thought. Immediately, the tears started. Once they started, they were hard to stop. Here I was, standing outside of my school, in the rain, crying on the phone. A good friend came out to check on me. I asked her to go to my classroom and tell my teaching assistant to just keep teaching. I just needed some time. I told Carla I would call her back. One of the challenges about working in an elementary school is that there are few private places to go. I ended up in our conference room where it quickly became clear to me that I wasn't going to be able to go back into my classroom and teach. I was so unprepared for the emotions that I felt.
Luckily, I work at this really amazing place with these really amazing people. I was able to lean on those around me and figure out how I could just go home. The people who helped me figure it out will never know how thankful I am for them in my life. To know that I could just go home and be sad and not worry about what would happen in my classroom was such an amazing feeling. And so, that is what I did. I left work and just went home.
The rest of the day passed with a lot of tears and a lot of food. We ate our feelings. We cried when we needed to. We told our families. We received a wonderful delivery of wine and ice cream from a very good friend. And we were okay. We are okay. We are sad and we are also okay.
And most importantly, now we know what it feels like. Now we know what to expect.
And now we carry on. It has been an incredibly difficult week. I am drained in a way that I never really thought I would be. I have gone from picturing a baby in our house to knowing that it isn't going to happen, at least not right now. That's a really hard mental shift to make and I am still struggling to settle back into the reality. A big part of me knew it couldn't possibly have been that easy. It couldn't possibly have worked out that nicely. But none of that rational stuff really mattered this week. My heart started thinking of the possibilities and I am glad that I allowed myself to hope.
So now we are really in it. Now I know why this process is so grueling. Now I know why adoption is so very hard. But I also hold on to the knowledge that I know one day it will all be worth it. I know that when it is supposed to work out, it will. It's not that those things make it any easier, it's not that those things make me any less sad about this situation, but those are the things that keep me going. Those are the things that make Carla and I want to regroup and be ready for the next situation that comes along. So a sad week ends and we will allow ourselves to be sad. And we will also know that one day there will be a baby in this house. One day all those people who are waiting and hoping along with us will be able to celebrate instead of comfort. And one day all of this truly will be worth it.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Why We Chose Adoption
This is the first night since the new school year started that I haven't brought home a huge pile of work. Mind you, this is because I arrived at school at 7:00 am and left at 5:30 pm, but I digress. Being home with no work to do made me think about my lovely, neglected blog. And so...here I am.
A few posts ago, a wonderful and kind reader of this blog wondered why we had chosen adoption in the first place. I thought it was a fair question, so here is my attempt at an answer.
Before I say anything about our decision, please know that I do not believe that any one way is the right way for all couples to build their family. Whether gay, lesbian, or straight I believe that there is a right decision for each couple. The reasons that worked for Carla and me, obviously don't work for everyone. But here is how we knew adoption was right for us.
When Carla and I came to the conclusion that we wanted to add a child to our family, we immediately discussed if either one of us had a desire to carry a child. Not that this is the most important part of our decision to adopt, but it was what had to be ruled out first. Neither Carla nor I had ever felt a need or urge to carry a child. Some women know their whole lives that it is something they want, but it was never a consideration for either of us. So right away, we were able to rule out insemination.
So then, we started to look for reasons as to why adoption might be right for us. Here is what we came up with:
First of all, adoption provides us this wonderful opportunity to both be equally involved in bringing a child into our family. We loved the idea that we were on equal footing and that we would be going through the same process together. Of course we each reacted, and will continue to react to our journey, in different ways. We know we will each forge a unique and special relationship with our child that will be our own. But we also knew that we loved being able to enter into motherhood, both filling the same role, both having an equal part in the building of our family.
The next thing that made adoption feel so right for us was the amount of love that is involved in the entire process. Obviously, no matter how a family brings a child into its life, there is going to be a whole lot of love. But for us, when we thought about adoption we saw this incredible amount of love on the side of the birthmother. What an amazing decision to put your own wants aside in order to give your biological child the hope of a better life. The fact that women do this, simply amazes me. I see it as an incredible act of love and we both feel so lucky to be a part of that. We feel so lucky to know that is how our child's life will being, with this incredible act of love. One of the things that drew us to open adoption was the possibility of a birth family being a part of our child's life. To have so many people loving and supporting one child just amazes me. Yes, there is heartbreak. Yes, the decision a birthmother makes is heart wrenching and something I will never fully be able to understand, but knowing that it comes from a place of such love is one of the big things that drew us towards adoption.
In addition to the love that goes into the decision to make an adoption plan or to adopt a child, Carla and I were both so taken with the idea of bringing a child into our family that might not have had the stability that we know we can provide. In a world that so often tells us that we are not as good as other families, we hold on to our truth and know that we have so much love to give. We are so strong and our relationship is so strong and to know that we can share this with a child who might not have had it otherwise is an incredible thing for us.
Another reason we ended up at adoption has to do with the things about insemination that I knew I couldn't handle. I know myself and I know that the medical, clinical process of insemination would get to me. It would have made me shut down. I know that I could have handled it if I needed to, but I also know that it is simply not something that would be my first choice. I hate all things medical. I hate that cold feeling of a doctor's office and I knew that if we pursued insemination there would be way more doctor's appointments that I was comfortable with. Instead of feeling like we were on a journey toward building a family, I would have lived the entire time dreading the next doctor's appointment. Maybe that's a reason that doesn't make a lot of sense to people, but it is how I felt and I was glad I knew myself well enough to know that before we began.
The last reason is one that I didn't realize before we began our adoption journey. But now that we find ourselves over two months into the wait, it is something that has given me peace during this journey. While Carla and I wait, we can continue to live our lives. As we sit on the wait list there are moments of incredible angst and anxiety, but there are also moments when we can completely forget that we are even waiting. We can go away for the weekend, we can take a trip to California, we can go camping, we can live our lives and not have to worry about anyone's ovulation cycle or waiting impatiently for two weeks to see if we are pregnant or not. I think it is amazing that there are women who can do that. I think it takes such strength. But it is just not something we wanted. It has been so nice that since we have finished our paperwork, we have been able to just keep living and enjoying our lives as a married couple. I am thankful for this time. Yes, it is incredibly stressful not knowing how long this time is going to last and some days feeling like the waiting just isn't ever going to end, but it is also wonderful to know that we have the freedom to just keep living.
So I guess that's it. I will never fully be able to put into words just how we knew that adoption was right for us. In a lot of ways, the decision was a feeling much more than it was just a list of reasons. Carla and I tend to know when things feel right and adoption just felt right. It just felt like it was what we were supposed to do. And so that it what we did.
A few posts ago, a wonderful and kind reader of this blog wondered why we had chosen adoption in the first place. I thought it was a fair question, so here is my attempt at an answer.
Before I say anything about our decision, please know that I do not believe that any one way is the right way for all couples to build their family. Whether gay, lesbian, or straight I believe that there is a right decision for each couple. The reasons that worked for Carla and me, obviously don't work for everyone. But here is how we knew adoption was right for us.
When Carla and I came to the conclusion that we wanted to add a child to our family, we immediately discussed if either one of us had a desire to carry a child. Not that this is the most important part of our decision to adopt, but it was what had to be ruled out first. Neither Carla nor I had ever felt a need or urge to carry a child. Some women know their whole lives that it is something they want, but it was never a consideration for either of us. So right away, we were able to rule out insemination.
So then, we started to look for reasons as to why adoption might be right for us. Here is what we came up with:
First of all, adoption provides us this wonderful opportunity to both be equally involved in bringing a child into our family. We loved the idea that we were on equal footing and that we would be going through the same process together. Of course we each reacted, and will continue to react to our journey, in different ways. We know we will each forge a unique and special relationship with our child that will be our own. But we also knew that we loved being able to enter into motherhood, both filling the same role, both having an equal part in the building of our family.
The next thing that made adoption feel so right for us was the amount of love that is involved in the entire process. Obviously, no matter how a family brings a child into its life, there is going to be a whole lot of love. But for us, when we thought about adoption we saw this incredible amount of love on the side of the birthmother. What an amazing decision to put your own wants aside in order to give your biological child the hope of a better life. The fact that women do this, simply amazes me. I see it as an incredible act of love and we both feel so lucky to be a part of that. We feel so lucky to know that is how our child's life will being, with this incredible act of love. One of the things that drew us to open adoption was the possibility of a birth family being a part of our child's life. To have so many people loving and supporting one child just amazes me. Yes, there is heartbreak. Yes, the decision a birthmother makes is heart wrenching and something I will never fully be able to understand, but knowing that it comes from a place of such love is one of the big things that drew us towards adoption.
In addition to the love that goes into the decision to make an adoption plan or to adopt a child, Carla and I were both so taken with the idea of bringing a child into our family that might not have had the stability that we know we can provide. In a world that so often tells us that we are not as good as other families, we hold on to our truth and know that we have so much love to give. We are so strong and our relationship is so strong and to know that we can share this with a child who might not have had it otherwise is an incredible thing for us.
Another reason we ended up at adoption has to do with the things about insemination that I knew I couldn't handle. I know myself and I know that the medical, clinical process of insemination would get to me. It would have made me shut down. I know that I could have handled it if I needed to, but I also know that it is simply not something that would be my first choice. I hate all things medical. I hate that cold feeling of a doctor's office and I knew that if we pursued insemination there would be way more doctor's appointments that I was comfortable with. Instead of feeling like we were on a journey toward building a family, I would have lived the entire time dreading the next doctor's appointment. Maybe that's a reason that doesn't make a lot of sense to people, but it is how I felt and I was glad I knew myself well enough to know that before we began.
The last reason is one that I didn't realize before we began our adoption journey. But now that we find ourselves over two months into the wait, it is something that has given me peace during this journey. While Carla and I wait, we can continue to live our lives. As we sit on the wait list there are moments of incredible angst and anxiety, but there are also moments when we can completely forget that we are even waiting. We can go away for the weekend, we can take a trip to California, we can go camping, we can live our lives and not have to worry about anyone's ovulation cycle or waiting impatiently for two weeks to see if we are pregnant or not. I think it is amazing that there are women who can do that. I think it takes such strength. But it is just not something we wanted. It has been so nice that since we have finished our paperwork, we have been able to just keep living and enjoying our lives as a married couple. I am thankful for this time. Yes, it is incredibly stressful not knowing how long this time is going to last and some days feeling like the waiting just isn't ever going to end, but it is also wonderful to know that we have the freedom to just keep living.
So I guess that's it. I will never fully be able to put into words just how we knew that adoption was right for us. In a lot of ways, the decision was a feeling much more than it was just a list of reasons. Carla and I tend to know when things feel right and adoption just felt right. It just felt like it was what we were supposed to do. And so that it what we did.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Certain Things
Well, according to our blog counter, we have been waiting for two months. We have been on our agency's wait list for two months. It has been possible for birthparents to find us for two months. And what I have learned in two months is that I must find things in my life to take comfort in. I find myself enveloped in uncertainty. I have no way of knowing when our child will arrive. I have no way of knowing what heartbreaks and what happinesses lie ahead. I have no way of knowing how our lives will change in the future. And as I have mentioned before, I don't do that well with uncertainty.
It seems that because of all of this major uncertainty, the small daily uncertainties suddenly seem unmanageable. We have a new schedule at school. This suddenly seems like a really big deal, like a huge obstacle. Our district began using a new math program. This, also, suddenly seems like a huge deal. Any small thing that I encounter that I don't feel completely sure of, stresses me out. To be honest, these things would stress me out no matter what, but I do wonder if my somewhat dramatic reactions to all of this has more to do with the uncertainties of adoption that I realize.
These past two weeks have been pretty tough. All the not knowing has been getting to me. And so I have had to force myself to find comfort in things (besides just in ice cream) because I know we have a long way to go still and I can't imagine that living like this for all that time is going to be very successful or enjoyable (for me or for those around me).
So the realization that I have come to is that I must start to take comfort in the things that ARE certain in my life. I must take comfort in the things I know for sure. For example, I am certain that everyday that I come home from work there are going to be three furry animals there to greet me at the door. I am certain that I have an incredible family who will always support me and be there for me. I am certain that I have friends and coworkers and coworkers who are friends that are there to make me laugh and to listen to me vent. I am certain that I have people who have known me long enough to know that they shouldn't ask how the adoption stuff is going because they know that when I am ready, I will share. I am certain that I have a job that fulfills me in incredible ways. I am certain that every day that I go to work, I will be greeted by the eager faces of twenty one children who are so ready to learn and to be inspired by the world around them. And I am certain that through all of this, through all the uncertainty, I have a wife who constantly amazes me. I have a partner that I am so proud of and who makes my life so full.
Those are the things in my life that I am certain of. That I know without a doubt. Those are the things that will not change no matter what happens with our adoption process. I cannot let myself forget about all of that just because I am overwhelmed by the stuff that is less certain. I cannot let myself stop enjoying what I have while I wait. So as of today, I promise myself, and anyone who happens to be reading this, that I will take comfort in the certain things. I will remember how lucky I am in this life and I will let that keep me company through the rest of this adoption journey.
It seems that because of all of this major uncertainty, the small daily uncertainties suddenly seem unmanageable. We have a new schedule at school. This suddenly seems like a really big deal, like a huge obstacle. Our district began using a new math program. This, also, suddenly seems like a huge deal. Any small thing that I encounter that I don't feel completely sure of, stresses me out. To be honest, these things would stress me out no matter what, but I do wonder if my somewhat dramatic reactions to all of this has more to do with the uncertainties of adoption that I realize.
These past two weeks have been pretty tough. All the not knowing has been getting to me. And so I have had to force myself to find comfort in things (besides just in ice cream) because I know we have a long way to go still and I can't imagine that living like this for all that time is going to be very successful or enjoyable (for me or for those around me).
So the realization that I have come to is that I must start to take comfort in the things that ARE certain in my life. I must take comfort in the things I know for sure. For example, I am certain that everyday that I come home from work there are going to be three furry animals there to greet me at the door. I am certain that I have an incredible family who will always support me and be there for me. I am certain that I have friends and coworkers and coworkers who are friends that are there to make me laugh and to listen to me vent. I am certain that I have people who have known me long enough to know that they shouldn't ask how the adoption stuff is going because they know that when I am ready, I will share. I am certain that I have a job that fulfills me in incredible ways. I am certain that every day that I go to work, I will be greeted by the eager faces of twenty one children who are so ready to learn and to be inspired by the world around them. And I am certain that through all of this, through all the uncertainty, I have a wife who constantly amazes me. I have a partner that I am so proud of and who makes my life so full.
Those are the things in my life that I am certain of. That I know without a doubt. Those are the things that will not change no matter what happens with our adoption process. I cannot let myself forget about all of that just because I am overwhelmed by the stuff that is less certain. I cannot let myself stop enjoying what I have while I wait. So as of today, I promise myself, and anyone who happens to be reading this, that I will take comfort in the certain things. I will remember how lucky I am in this life and I will let that keep me company through the rest of this adoption journey.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Our Profile on It's Conceivable
A few months ago, the website It's Conceivable, which I sometimes write blog posts for and has been an incredible resource for us, asked me if I would be willing to share a portion of our adoption profile for other couples to use as an example. While I was a bit hesitant at first, I then remembered how lucky we were to have a wonderful friend allow us to use her adoption profile as a guide to writing our own. It was incredibly helpful for us to have this profile as a sample and if I could provide that same help to just one other person, then it was worth it.
So I happily sent them the link for our photo book and hope that someone out there might be able to use it in some helpful way. I was so touched by the words that the editor of the website wrote and though I know I have posted the profile here before, I thought I would provide the link for the post on It's Conceivable.
Feel free to take a look : http://itsconceivablenow.com/2012/08/21/sample-lesbian-couple-adoption-profile/
In other news, I survived the first day of school. Barely.
So I happily sent them the link for our photo book and hope that someone out there might be able to use it in some helpful way. I was so touched by the words that the editor of the website wrote and though I know I have posted the profile here before, I thought I would provide the link for the post on It's Conceivable.
Feel free to take a look : http://itsconceivablenow.com/2012/08/21/sample-lesbian-couple-adoption-profile/
In other news, I survived the first day of school. Barely.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Back To School
Before I begin typing let me begin by saying that I am in no way complaining about having a summer vacation. To me, it is one of the BEST parts of being a teacher. In fact, it makes me wonder why not everyone wants to be a teacher. I love summer vacation so much that it is mind boggling to me that most people don't have one.
That being said, I absolutely hate the transition back to school. While I love summer break, I really do love teaching children just as much. What I don't love so much are things like getting up when it's still dark outside, boring meetings that usually end up frustrating me, and packing my lunch every morning.
Tomorrow, starts the school year. The students officially come on Tuesday, but I will get to meet them all tomorrow. I actually love that feeling of finally getting to see the new group of kids come into the classroom. Each year, my classroom is filled with the most interesting, fascinating, inspiring group of children and I truly am thankful to have the chance to get to know them. But, it is always a bit rough getting used to the routine again.
But this year things feel a bit different. As I was complaining to Carla (who pretty much turns into a saintly saint this time of year) about going back to school, she reminded me that this year, going back to school is a good thing. On summer break, all I have is time. Time to sit and think about when we will be chosen by a birthparent. Time to sit and look online at other people who have been waiting to adopt to see how long they had to wait. Time to sit and read the stories of other people who have run into unexpected problems along the adoption journey. Time to get stuck in my own head and wonder how we will ever be chosen amongst all of the wonderful families who are waiting to adopt. As you might be able to tell, and as Carla has seen first hand, sometimes having all this time is not exactly a good thing. So as I head back to school, I am thankful that I will soon have other things to occupy my mind. Things that I love to think about. Things like how to make my students care about the world around them or how to get them to be proud of who they are. These are things that motivate me to do my best as a teacher and right about now those things seem like really appealing things to fill my mind with.
The other piece that is different this year is that I can't help but wonder, "Is this going to be the group of kids that I will be teaching when we are contacted by a birthparent?" "Are these going to be the parents that I will have to tell that I will be leaving for a while to take care of a child?" I truly don't believe that anything is going to happen this school year, but I can't help but wonder. I can't help but think about what will happen when it is time. These are thoughts that I couldn't even have imagined having at this time last year, and now I am somewhat consumed by them.
So as I start this school year, there is a wide range of emotions brewing inside. But I know that whatever happens and whatever emotions are going on, when I walk into that classroom on Tuesday, there are going to be 21 eager faces who will need my attention and I am so thankful to have a job that lets me step outside of myself for eight hours a day and worry about their needs instead of my own!
That being said, I absolutely hate the transition back to school. While I love summer break, I really do love teaching children just as much. What I don't love so much are things like getting up when it's still dark outside, boring meetings that usually end up frustrating me, and packing my lunch every morning.
Tomorrow, starts the school year. The students officially come on Tuesday, but I will get to meet them all tomorrow. I actually love that feeling of finally getting to see the new group of kids come into the classroom. Each year, my classroom is filled with the most interesting, fascinating, inspiring group of children and I truly am thankful to have the chance to get to know them. But, it is always a bit rough getting used to the routine again.
But this year things feel a bit different. As I was complaining to Carla (who pretty much turns into a saintly saint this time of year) about going back to school, she reminded me that this year, going back to school is a good thing. On summer break, all I have is time. Time to sit and think about when we will be chosen by a birthparent. Time to sit and look online at other people who have been waiting to adopt to see how long they had to wait. Time to sit and read the stories of other people who have run into unexpected problems along the adoption journey. Time to get stuck in my own head and wonder how we will ever be chosen amongst all of the wonderful families who are waiting to adopt. As you might be able to tell, and as Carla has seen first hand, sometimes having all this time is not exactly a good thing. So as I head back to school, I am thankful that I will soon have other things to occupy my mind. Things that I love to think about. Things like how to make my students care about the world around them or how to get them to be proud of who they are. These are things that motivate me to do my best as a teacher and right about now those things seem like really appealing things to fill my mind with.
The other piece that is different this year is that I can't help but wonder, "Is this going to be the group of kids that I will be teaching when we are contacted by a birthparent?" "Are these going to be the parents that I will have to tell that I will be leaving for a while to take care of a child?" I truly don't believe that anything is going to happen this school year, but I can't help but wonder. I can't help but think about what will happen when it is time. These are thoughts that I couldn't even have imagined having at this time last year, and now I am somewhat consumed by them.
So as I start this school year, there is a wide range of emotions brewing inside. But I know that whatever happens and whatever emotions are going on, when I walk into that classroom on Tuesday, there are going to be 21 eager faces who will need my attention and I am so thankful to have a job that lets me step outside of myself for eight hours a day and worry about their needs instead of my own!
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