Each month, we print off pictures of Millie, write the dates they were taken on the back, and put them inside of a card for Millie's birthparents. Each month, we write an update to her birthparents to try to let them know what is going on in Millie's life and then we send the whole thing off. And each month, I worry so much about whether or not we sent the right pictures, whether or not we wrote the right information, whether or not we are able to give them some small amount of peace that Millie is doing well and growing up healthy and happy.
As I have mentioned before, I purposely don't write much about Millie's birthparents on this blog. I have too much respect for them and for their story to attempt to tell any of it as my own. I would never want to give away information that is private to them and I would never want to assume to know in any way what this journey has been like and is like for them. But, I have been thinking about them a lot lately and I thought this would be a good place to try and put some of those thoughts down.
Since we brought Millie home, we have been telling her the story of her birth family and of her first month of life before she was with us. We have told her how much love her birth parents have for her and how she will always be a part of two families, our family and her birth family. Since we brought Millie home, we have made sure to keep her birth family at the forefront of our hearts and minds and to make sure that we always make them a part of our life and a part of Millie's life. Carla and I are so committed to making sure that Millie knows who she came from, who her first family was and that her birth family will always be a part of who she is.
I know that as Millie grows up we will continue to tell her all that we know about her birthparents. I also know that as Millie grows up there will be difficult questions and ones that we might not even be able to answer for her. I know that there will be uncomfortable moments and moments when both Millie and we will have to wrestle with difficult emotions. And I also know that any difficult moments will still be infinitely better than if we attempted to keep any information from her or lie to her about her own life and her own story. I have confidence that Millie will be able to deal with the tough stuff because we will raise her to know who she is and to be proud of who she is and I believe that this is what makes a person strong.
And while I know that we will do everything that we can to keep Millie's birthparents a part of her life and a part of her story, we also know that we have no control over how they choose or how they are able to be a part of her life. We have not heard from Millie's birthparents in a while. I will not even begin to try and claim to know why we haven't heard from them. All I can say is that I know they have their reasons. Though we haven't heard from them, we continue to make contact. We continue to send texts and send pictures and send written updates. And we will continue to do these things until they ask us not to.
We want to make sure that they know that our door is always open for them. We want to make sure that they know that we understand if they can't text us back right now or write us back right now. We want to make sure that they know that we understand if they can't meet up with us right now or see Millie right now. And, we also want them to know that if and when they ARE ready, we will be there too. There will always be space for them in our family, just as we know there will always be space for Millie in their family, even if that space is not physical.
This open adoption stuff is not easy. It is not all laid out in a way that is easy to follow. We are creating our own path every day and we are creating our own relationships every day. I am sure that we have made and will continue to make mistakes. And I also know that our hearts are open and that we truly believe in what we are trying to do and I believe that will make up for all the missteps that we might take along the way.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Catching Up...
Hello summer!
The school year officially ended on Wednesday and I am now in the blissful first few days of summer vacation. It's been quite a while since I last wrote and I blame that all on the end of the school year craziness. Oh and I blame a little of it on Mille :)
Anyway, to start off our summer break, Millie came down with some sort of illness that has had her with a fever for the past three days. I actually got a phone call from day care to tell me that she was sick on the very last day of the school year, with one hour and twenty minutes left to go before the end of the school day. I was just about to walk into the gym to hand out certificates to my fifth graders when I got the voicemail. Luckily, Carla was able to leave work and pick up the little one. I am thankful in all kinds of ways that she was able to go because I couldn't really figure out a way to get out of the last hour and a half of the school year. Since we got her home, she has been pretty miserable as we wait out this fever and congestion. The doctor said it was all viral, so there is nothing much we can do. I hate when she is sick. It is the saddest thing. Her fever has gone down a bit today, so hopefully this is all on its way out.
Speaking of the end of the school year. This one was an emotional one. There was something so special about the group of fifth graders who just left our classroom. They were an amazing bunch of kids and when I think back on the story of bringing Millie home, those 21 kiddos and their families are all going to be a part of that story. Millie will be hearing about them for years to come. The end of the school year is always a bit emotional, but this year was exceptional. I think all of us knew that something special happened this year. The kids knew it, the other teachers who work in my room knew it, and I knew it. There was so much love in that classroom and it was sad to see it end. I am so proud of those kids and all that they learned this year and they will always always hold a very special place in my heart and in the heart of my family.
In baby news, Millie is amazing. She is now five months old and she is developing this adorable and quirky personality. She laughs and squeals at pictures on the ways, she smiles when we sing to her, she is sitting up and grabbing things on her own and she is even starting to get frustrated when she can't do all the things that she wants to be able to do. It is amazing to watch it all develop. I love her so much and am in awe of the little person that she is becoming.
In other news, Chicago is finally starting to understand that it is summer. There has been so much rain and cold weather that any nice day that comes along is cause for celebration. Yesterday was gorgeous and today looks to be wonderful as well. It has been so much fun to be outside with Millie now that the weather is getting better. She absolutely loves it outside and our goal for the summer is to take her camping at least once. Even when she is in her worst of moods, she perks up as soon as she is outside. It is one of the parts of the summer that I am most looking forward.
The other major excitement about summer is that Carla and I will finally both have days off on the same day. Since I went back to work, Carla has taken Thursday and Friday off and I am off on the weekends. This has been so nice because it has allowed us to have Millie in daycare for only three days a week and then she is with one of us for the other four days. It has been a wonderful arrangement but has had its challenges as well. It has been really hard to not have days together as a family. We have had a few random days off together, but they are usually when we have a big event to attend. We are both really looking forward to having two days off together as a family every week. There is so much that we look forward to doing altogether and now we will actually have the time to do it.
Well, I apologize that this hasn't been much of an update at all. I guess there is just too much that happens in the span of a few weeks that it is hard to remember it all. There are bigger things that I would like to write about (same-sex marriage bill in Illinois, upcoming Supreme Court decisions, Millie's birth family, and being able to share our adoption story with other families considering adoption), but Millie is way too close to the end of her nap to dig into any of those right now. But mostly, we are all doing well (aside from the lingering small illness Millie is dealing with). We are falling more in love with Millie every single day and now that school is out, I will be better about updating more frequently. I will end with pictures because there is nothing I love more than sharing pictures of our little one!
Enjoy!
The school year officially ended on Wednesday and I am now in the blissful first few days of summer vacation. It's been quite a while since I last wrote and I blame that all on the end of the school year craziness. Oh and I blame a little of it on Mille :)
Anyway, to start off our summer break, Millie came down with some sort of illness that has had her with a fever for the past three days. I actually got a phone call from day care to tell me that she was sick on the very last day of the school year, with one hour and twenty minutes left to go before the end of the school day. I was just about to walk into the gym to hand out certificates to my fifth graders when I got the voicemail. Luckily, Carla was able to leave work and pick up the little one. I am thankful in all kinds of ways that she was able to go because I couldn't really figure out a way to get out of the last hour and a half of the school year. Since we got her home, she has been pretty miserable as we wait out this fever and congestion. The doctor said it was all viral, so there is nothing much we can do. I hate when she is sick. It is the saddest thing. Her fever has gone down a bit today, so hopefully this is all on its way out.
Speaking of the end of the school year. This one was an emotional one. There was something so special about the group of fifth graders who just left our classroom. They were an amazing bunch of kids and when I think back on the story of bringing Millie home, those 21 kiddos and their families are all going to be a part of that story. Millie will be hearing about them for years to come. The end of the school year is always a bit emotional, but this year was exceptional. I think all of us knew that something special happened this year. The kids knew it, the other teachers who work in my room knew it, and I knew it. There was so much love in that classroom and it was sad to see it end. I am so proud of those kids and all that they learned this year and they will always always hold a very special place in my heart and in the heart of my family.
In baby news, Millie is amazing. She is now five months old and she is developing this adorable and quirky personality. She laughs and squeals at pictures on the ways, she smiles when we sing to her, she is sitting up and grabbing things on her own and she is even starting to get frustrated when she can't do all the things that she wants to be able to do. It is amazing to watch it all develop. I love her so much and am in awe of the little person that she is becoming.
In other news, Chicago is finally starting to understand that it is summer. There has been so much rain and cold weather that any nice day that comes along is cause for celebration. Yesterday was gorgeous and today looks to be wonderful as well. It has been so much fun to be outside with Millie now that the weather is getting better. She absolutely loves it outside and our goal for the summer is to take her camping at least once. Even when she is in her worst of moods, she perks up as soon as she is outside. It is one of the parts of the summer that I am most looking forward.
The other major excitement about summer is that Carla and I will finally both have days off on the same day. Since I went back to work, Carla has taken Thursday and Friday off and I am off on the weekends. This has been so nice because it has allowed us to have Millie in daycare for only three days a week and then she is with one of us for the other four days. It has been a wonderful arrangement but has had its challenges as well. It has been really hard to not have days together as a family. We have had a few random days off together, but they are usually when we have a big event to attend. We are both really looking forward to having two days off together as a family every week. There is so much that we look forward to doing altogether and now we will actually have the time to do it.
Well, I apologize that this hasn't been much of an update at all. I guess there is just too much that happens in the span of a few weeks that it is hard to remember it all. There are bigger things that I would like to write about (same-sex marriage bill in Illinois, upcoming Supreme Court decisions, Millie's birth family, and being able to share our adoption story with other families considering adoption), but Millie is way too close to the end of her nap to dig into any of those right now. But mostly, we are all doing well (aside from the lingering small illness Millie is dealing with). We are falling more in love with Millie every single day and now that school is out, I will be better about updating more frequently. I will end with pictures because there is nothing I love more than sharing pictures of our little one!
Enjoy!
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| Millie and my dad having some quality one on one time. |
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| Millie falling asleep on my sister during our Mothers' Day celebration |
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| Millie falling asleep on Carla during the second half of our Mothers' Day celebration |
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| Just Millie before bed time |
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| Millie's first trip to the Farmers' Market |
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| Millie and Frankie |
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| Millie's current favorite toy |
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| Millie was borrowing her cousin's Nemo chair during his second birthday party |
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| Millie and Me on a family walk |
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| More Millie and Frankie bonding time |
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| Millie and Mama |
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| Millie and Carla came to school for a most lovely baby shower with the staff |
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| At Home Depot trying to get what we need for our yard work |
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| Millie in my mother's garden |
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| Hanging out at home |
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| Millie's first encounter with grass |
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| Millie in the rocking chair my mom made for her |
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| Happy Millie! |
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| Millie's cousin giving her a thorough exam |
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| Millie was really enjoying her meal of squash! |
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| Trying out her walker |
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mothers' Day
I found myself unexpectedly emotional today. Waking up and being a mom on Mothers' Day caught me by surprise. I sort of expected that I would not feel much. In my mind, Mothers' Day has always been about my own mother. The gratitude that I feel towards her has only multiplied since Millie entered my life. She has been my very best teacher in what it means to be a mother and if I manage to be half the mother to Millie that my mom has been to me, then I will be doing just fine. So anyway, that was what I thought today would be about. And in many ways it was. But it was also so much more.
I thought a lot today about last year on Mothers' Day and I remember being so so sad. I remember how hard it was to celebrate something that I was so very clearly not. I remember it being so hard to be around all of the mothers in my life when Carla and I were so frustrated with the adoption process at that point. And I also thought a lot today about the women, whose stories I have read and continue to read, who are still traveling their roads towards becoming mothers. I have carved out such a large space in my heart for them and for their families. And I thought a lot about all of you today. I know how hard it is to not yet be a mother on Mothers' Day. I know how awful this day can feel and I can only hope that those of you who are in that position today will hold tightly to the people that you love. I can only hope that you were good to yourselves today and that you took time to remember that one day this day will be so so good for you. And all that you are going through right now is going to make that day so much sweeter and is going to make you such a strong, incredible, awe-inspring mom. Last year at this time, I never ever would have thought that by the very next Mothers' Day we, too, would be mothers. And yet. Here we are.
Today when I looked at Millie, I was overcome with gratitude. I feel so very lucky to be her mom. There are still days when it feels too good to be true. I am not saying that it is always easy, or fun, or that there aren't moments when I look at her and ask her, out loud, why she just won't go to sleep. And, with all of that, I still feel so so lucky to be her mom. Going through the adoption process, as frustrating as it was, and ending up here feels like a miracle. And I could never have asked for a more perfect daughter for Carla and me and today I felt that truth in every inch of my being.
Celebrating our moms also felt different today. It felt bigger. I felt more gratitude. I felt more understanding. Carla and I are so incredibly lucky to have the moms that we have. We have learned how to love from women who exemplify what that means. We have learned how to sacrifice from women who would do anything in this world for us. We have learned how to be strong from two of the strongest women that I have ever known. We have learned how to be mothers from two women who live their lives as what mothers are supposed to be. Today I really understood that. Today I was incredibly thankful.
And part of the emotion for me today was thinking about Millie's birthmother. My heart swells when I think of her. We haven't heard from her in a while. Today, I thought a lot about her. I don't often share much about her because I have the utmost respect for this woman and I would never ever want to tell any part of her story for her. But today I can't help but express my love for this woman. This woman who was, and will always be, Millie's first mother. I think about what this woman has done for Millie and the love that it took to make the decision she made and I am overwhelmed by it. I am in awe of her and I admire her so very much. No matter what, she will be a part of Millie's life because we will tell her about the incredible woman that she is and I know that Millie will learn from the courage and the love that her birth mother possesses. I know that she would be so happy to see the amount of love that surrounds Millie and to know that Millie is being raised in happiness and in love and in so many good things. I can't ever pretend to know what she feels when she thinks about us or about Millie, but I have to imagine that her heart hurt a little bit today and that just sends the most intense emotions right through me. Whatever she is thinking today, whatever she is doing, I hope that she knows that she is, and will always, be a part of Millie's life and heart and a part of this family.
So our first Mothers' Day was good. So so very good. My heart felt full all day long. I felt lucky and grateful and intensely content with the life that I am living. Sometimes it feels as if I am undeserving of so much goodness. But I am happy to accept it. Happy to be living it. And happy to know that there is so much more goodness ahead.
I thought a lot today about last year on Mothers' Day and I remember being so so sad. I remember how hard it was to celebrate something that I was so very clearly not. I remember it being so hard to be around all of the mothers in my life when Carla and I were so frustrated with the adoption process at that point. And I also thought a lot today about the women, whose stories I have read and continue to read, who are still traveling their roads towards becoming mothers. I have carved out such a large space in my heart for them and for their families. And I thought a lot about all of you today. I know how hard it is to not yet be a mother on Mothers' Day. I know how awful this day can feel and I can only hope that those of you who are in that position today will hold tightly to the people that you love. I can only hope that you were good to yourselves today and that you took time to remember that one day this day will be so so good for you. And all that you are going through right now is going to make that day so much sweeter and is going to make you such a strong, incredible, awe-inspring mom. Last year at this time, I never ever would have thought that by the very next Mothers' Day we, too, would be mothers. And yet. Here we are.
Today when I looked at Millie, I was overcome with gratitude. I feel so very lucky to be her mom. There are still days when it feels too good to be true. I am not saying that it is always easy, or fun, or that there aren't moments when I look at her and ask her, out loud, why she just won't go to sleep. And, with all of that, I still feel so so lucky to be her mom. Going through the adoption process, as frustrating as it was, and ending up here feels like a miracle. And I could never have asked for a more perfect daughter for Carla and me and today I felt that truth in every inch of my being.
Celebrating our moms also felt different today. It felt bigger. I felt more gratitude. I felt more understanding. Carla and I are so incredibly lucky to have the moms that we have. We have learned how to love from women who exemplify what that means. We have learned how to sacrifice from women who would do anything in this world for us. We have learned how to be strong from two of the strongest women that I have ever known. We have learned how to be mothers from two women who live their lives as what mothers are supposed to be. Today I really understood that. Today I was incredibly thankful.
And part of the emotion for me today was thinking about Millie's birthmother. My heart swells when I think of her. We haven't heard from her in a while. Today, I thought a lot about her. I don't often share much about her because I have the utmost respect for this woman and I would never ever want to tell any part of her story for her. But today I can't help but express my love for this woman. This woman who was, and will always be, Millie's first mother. I think about what this woman has done for Millie and the love that it took to make the decision she made and I am overwhelmed by it. I am in awe of her and I admire her so very much. No matter what, she will be a part of Millie's life because we will tell her about the incredible woman that she is and I know that Millie will learn from the courage and the love that her birth mother possesses. I know that she would be so happy to see the amount of love that surrounds Millie and to know that Millie is being raised in happiness and in love and in so many good things. I can't ever pretend to know what she feels when she thinks about us or about Millie, but I have to imagine that her heart hurt a little bit today and that just sends the most intense emotions right through me. Whatever she is thinking today, whatever she is doing, I hope that she knows that she is, and will always, be a part of Millie's life and heart and a part of this family.
So our first Mothers' Day was good. So so very good. My heart felt full all day long. I felt lucky and grateful and intensely content with the life that I am living. Sometimes it feels as if I am undeserving of so much goodness. But I am happy to accept it. Happy to be living it. And happy to know that there is so much more goodness ahead.
Monday, May 6, 2013
A Blurry Two Weeks...
Well, the last two weeks have passed in quite a blur. It seems that every time I thought about sitting down to write about it all, sometime else popped up. I am left with a pretty random string of events to share, none of which are all too exciting. But here is what I've got (in no particular order).
Sickness. Today is the first day in over two weeks that I have felt healthy. And by healthy, I mean that if I continuously take cough medicine, then I manage to make it through the day without having to leave the children to go and cough out in the hallway. There has been illness traveling around my entire school, my entire extended family, and perhaps the greater metropolitan Chicagoland area. I am not sure where I got this particular yuck, but it has been awful. I went a good four days without any voice at all. As you can imagine, being a fifth grade teacher with no voice was less than enjoyable. And I just felt awful. One of the worst days, I picked Millie up from day care and somehow she must have known how awful I felt because she happily sat in her rocker, in front of the fish tank, while I curled in a ball on the floor next to her and apologized for not being able to be a better Mom at the moment. Yeah. It wasn't pretty. Luckily, Carla totally stepped it up and took over all the things that I just couldn't manage to do. As always, she was the reason that I made it through some of those bad days. Luckily, after a long, long two weeks, I am finally starting to feel like myself again.
Health. On the opposite end of the wellness spectrum, Millie had her four month check-up last week. She got a glowing report! No mention at all of any sort of flat spots on her head and she was even a champ and rolled over for the doctor. She also did a much better job with her shots this time around. All in all it was a great appointment and it was fun to see how much she has grown since the last time we were there.
Food. Millie has had her first taste of solid food. Well, it wasn't at all solid. Instead, it was a delightfully soupy mixture of avocado and water. But it was something other than formula and that was exciting. We have had three separate attempts at eating and while I am not sure how much food has actually made it down her esophagus, she didn't seem at all unhappy about the whole thing. It is just really exciting to be at this new stage and to be able to think about her eating real food. We have yet to progress beyond the avocado puree, but I do believe that there is banana in her future.
Party. I had the most wonderful baby shower with my students. The two room mothers for my classroom have been wanting to throw a party for Millie ever since I announced that we were bringing her home. There was no time before I left on maternity leave, so we decided to wait until after. So this past Friday, Carla and Millie came to school and the room mothers brought in balloons and donuts and the most wonderful, generous, kind, beautiful basket filled with presents for Millie from all of the kids and their families. It was such a wonderful, wonderful moment and I was so touched at the excitement from my students and from their parents. This is just the most special group of kids and parents and when we tell Millie all about the story of how we brought her home, these kids and their families will most certainly be a big piece of that story. I can't say enough about what it means to have this kind of support. In so many schools, a lesbian teacher would feel the need to hide her family from her students and their families and here I am, not only sharing my family, and not only being accepted and tolerated, but being celebrated in the most beautiful way. It is overwhelming to think about. I am deeply, deeply grateful.
Birthday. This coming weekend is my nephew's second birthday. I cannot believe that he is going to be two. His big party is not until the following weekend, but this weekend, there will be cake and ice cream for the family. I can't tell you how much I love this boy. He is the most energetic, loving, fun-loving kid and he just makes all of us enjoy life so much more. He has gotten our family through some tough, tough moments and he is nothing but lovable and wonderful. He truly has taught me how to love a child in a way that I didn't know was possible. He was the one person that made me certain that I wanted to be a mom. I am so in awe of the little guy that he is growing up to be and I can't wait to celebrate with him.
I do believe that is it for now. Sorry for the very random and not so exciting post. I just thought I would keep everyone updated on the not so exciting goings-ons of this household!
Sickness. Today is the first day in over two weeks that I have felt healthy. And by healthy, I mean that if I continuously take cough medicine, then I manage to make it through the day without having to leave the children to go and cough out in the hallway. There has been illness traveling around my entire school, my entire extended family, and perhaps the greater metropolitan Chicagoland area. I am not sure where I got this particular yuck, but it has been awful. I went a good four days without any voice at all. As you can imagine, being a fifth grade teacher with no voice was less than enjoyable. And I just felt awful. One of the worst days, I picked Millie up from day care and somehow she must have known how awful I felt because she happily sat in her rocker, in front of the fish tank, while I curled in a ball on the floor next to her and apologized for not being able to be a better Mom at the moment. Yeah. It wasn't pretty. Luckily, Carla totally stepped it up and took over all the things that I just couldn't manage to do. As always, she was the reason that I made it through some of those bad days. Luckily, after a long, long two weeks, I am finally starting to feel like myself again.
Health. On the opposite end of the wellness spectrum, Millie had her four month check-up last week. She got a glowing report! No mention at all of any sort of flat spots on her head and she was even a champ and rolled over for the doctor. She also did a much better job with her shots this time around. All in all it was a great appointment and it was fun to see how much she has grown since the last time we were there.
Food. Millie has had her first taste of solid food. Well, it wasn't at all solid. Instead, it was a delightfully soupy mixture of avocado and water. But it was something other than formula and that was exciting. We have had three separate attempts at eating and while I am not sure how much food has actually made it down her esophagus, she didn't seem at all unhappy about the whole thing. It is just really exciting to be at this new stage and to be able to think about her eating real food. We have yet to progress beyond the avocado puree, but I do believe that there is banana in her future.
Party. I had the most wonderful baby shower with my students. The two room mothers for my classroom have been wanting to throw a party for Millie ever since I announced that we were bringing her home. There was no time before I left on maternity leave, so we decided to wait until after. So this past Friday, Carla and Millie came to school and the room mothers brought in balloons and donuts and the most wonderful, generous, kind, beautiful basket filled with presents for Millie from all of the kids and their families. It was such a wonderful, wonderful moment and I was so touched at the excitement from my students and from their parents. This is just the most special group of kids and parents and when we tell Millie all about the story of how we brought her home, these kids and their families will most certainly be a big piece of that story. I can't say enough about what it means to have this kind of support. In so many schools, a lesbian teacher would feel the need to hide her family from her students and their families and here I am, not only sharing my family, and not only being accepted and tolerated, but being celebrated in the most beautiful way. It is overwhelming to think about. I am deeply, deeply grateful.
Birthday. This coming weekend is my nephew's second birthday. I cannot believe that he is going to be two. His big party is not until the following weekend, but this weekend, there will be cake and ice cream for the family. I can't tell you how much I love this boy. He is the most energetic, loving, fun-loving kid and he just makes all of us enjoy life so much more. He has gotten our family through some tough, tough moments and he is nothing but lovable and wonderful. He truly has taught me how to love a child in a way that I didn't know was possible. He was the one person that made me certain that I wanted to be a mom. I am so in awe of the little guy that he is growing up to be and I can't wait to celebrate with him.
I do believe that is it for now. Sorry for the very random and not so exciting post. I just thought I would keep everyone updated on the not so exciting goings-ons of this household!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Our Day in Court
On Thursday, we went to court to officially begin the finalization of Millie's adoption.
It is funny to say that we are just now beginning the adoption, but in some ways, legally, today was the first step toward a final adoption. A step toward the state recognizing Carla and I as Millie's parents. It was a good, good day.
I am not sure where to begin. I guess when we woke up is as good as a place as any. So we woke up on Thursday to rain. A lot of rain. Like major Chicago highways being closed kind of rain. We were scheduled to meet with our lawyer (who conveniently also happens to be my uncle!) at 12:30 and I was instantly paranoid that we would never make it downtown in time. As we watched the morning news, we saw terrible traffic reports and heard of people being stuck for hours in traffic as they tried to navigate around the flooded streets and highways of Chicago. As we heard more and more, I became increasingly worried about getting into the city. And because I have already shared that I am prone to irrational worries, I insisted that we leave three hours early. That is correct. Three hours before we were supposed to meet with my uncle, I forced us to leave the house. It then took us a total of 45 minutes to make it to the building where my uncle's office is located. That's right, we had over two hours to waste! Oops! Better safe than sorry?
So we unloaded the car, which is now an ordeal. We put Millie's car seat in her stroller and we headed off for the streets of downtown Chicago. Luckily, by the time we left the car, the rain had slowed significantly. However, we still didn't want to spend too much time walking around outside, so we went into the first Dunkin Donuts we saw and took over a small corner table. We spent the next hour or so eating donuts, drinking coffee, feeding Millie, and taking pictures! Here we all are, wasting some time in Dunkin Donuts:
After a while, we noticed the rain had mostly stopped, so we put Millie back in her car seat and went for a stroll around downtown Chicago. Millie LOVES being outside and seemed to enjoy the sounds of the city. She enjoyed it so much, she promptly feel asleep.
After our walk, it was finally time to head to my Uncle's office. It was such a comfort to have a family member to take us through this process. His generosity and expertise were so so very much appreciated. We met him in his office and he explained what was going to happen. It is hard to fully understand why we had to be in court, but here is the best explanation that I can give.
When we took Millie home, her birth parents had already signed their consent, their rights had been terminated. We were lucky in the sense that both the birth mother and birth father were there on that day, so we didn't need to worry about an unknown birth father being located or coming forward. If for some reason, the birth father wasn't there or was unknown, he would have thirty days to check the punitive birth father registry (in which Millie had been entered) and to come forward. If that doesn't happen within thirty days of placement, then the adoptive family goes to court to officially begin the adoption finalization. (My Uncle happened to be out of town thirty days after placement, so we went on Thursday to begin this process). Now, Millie is technically in the custody of our adoption agency. We continue to have monthly post-adoption visits from the agency and as long as they don't have any reason to think we are unfit, then our adoption will be finalized on August 1st, six months after the date of placement. That, is at least what I understand this process to be.
The only time that we every go to court is for the start of the finalization (that was on Thursday). It seems to be very much a formality, so there was no reason to be nervous and nothing was really being decided on that day. Instead, it was more of a way to mark the start of the legal process and a way to acknowledge that the finalization has begun.
So after meeting with my Uncle, we walked over to the courthouse, waited through the security line, and headed upstairs to where the court room was. We fed Millie another bottle up there, in hopes that she would remain happy in the courtroom. As we were feeding her, my mom, dad and sister met us to join in the big day. It was so so nice to have our family there with us. We all spent a few more minutes waiting in the hallway, which had a lovely view of the city. Of course, we used the time to take more pictures.
After a while, we headed into the nursery that is right off of the court room. Since we were going into family court, everyone waiting had children of some age. While we were there, the only thing being done were adoptions, so there was a pretty joyous feeling in the room. As a family, we waited to be called to go in front of the judge. Here we all are, waiting in the nursery:
After a few minutes, our names we called and we all headed into the court room. We stood in front of the very vey kind judge, my uncle introduced us all, and then we answered a few of the judge's questions. She mostly asked us about what we did for a living, if we were planning on having more kids, and then told us the story of how she used to be a teacher and how she ended up a judge. She then asked my mom, dad and sister if we were good parents. My sister made some jokes, my mother cried, and then we were done and we all left the courtroom.
I thought that maybe I would get nervous. I never did. I thought that maybe our court appearance would feel momentous and huge. It never did. I thought that maybe things would feel different once we walked out of the courtroom. They didn't. Carla and I both came to accept that while our appearance in court was necessary and we were glad it was over and that things could now progress towards finalization, it wasn't going to change how we felt about being a family. It didn't make us feel any more like Millie's parents. That had already happened. What made us feel like her parents is when we held her through the night when she was sick. What made us feel like her parents were the times she was crying and we were able to make her feel better. What made us feel like her parents were the times we got to watch her do new things and took pride in ability to do things like smile and laugh and make new sounds. Those are the moments that felt momentous. Those are the moments that solidified our bonds as a family. Those are the moments when we felt our lives changing forever. Going to court, paled in comparison to those moments.
So after we were done, we spent a bit more time with the family and then we packed up and headed home. We made a quick stop at Babies R Us where we picked up more diapers and formula and a few new outfits. And again, we realized that this is what made us a family. Knowing what kind of diapers Millie wears and how much formula she drinks, those are what proves to us that we are her parents. Knowing that we should bring a bottle into the store for her to eat because we could tell she was getting hungry and knew she would start crying in the store, that is all the proof we need that we are Millie's parents and that we are her family.
It is funny to say that we are just now beginning the adoption, but in some ways, legally, today was the first step toward a final adoption. A step toward the state recognizing Carla and I as Millie's parents. It was a good, good day.
I am not sure where to begin. I guess when we woke up is as good as a place as any. So we woke up on Thursday to rain. A lot of rain. Like major Chicago highways being closed kind of rain. We were scheduled to meet with our lawyer (who conveniently also happens to be my uncle!) at 12:30 and I was instantly paranoid that we would never make it downtown in time. As we watched the morning news, we saw terrible traffic reports and heard of people being stuck for hours in traffic as they tried to navigate around the flooded streets and highways of Chicago. As we heard more and more, I became increasingly worried about getting into the city. And because I have already shared that I am prone to irrational worries, I insisted that we leave three hours early. That is correct. Three hours before we were supposed to meet with my uncle, I forced us to leave the house. It then took us a total of 45 minutes to make it to the building where my uncle's office is located. That's right, we had over two hours to waste! Oops! Better safe than sorry?
So we unloaded the car, which is now an ordeal. We put Millie's car seat in her stroller and we headed off for the streets of downtown Chicago. Luckily, by the time we left the car, the rain had slowed significantly. However, we still didn't want to spend too much time walking around outside, so we went into the first Dunkin Donuts we saw and took over a small corner table. We spent the next hour or so eating donuts, drinking coffee, feeding Millie, and taking pictures! Here we all are, wasting some time in Dunkin Donuts:
 |
| Everyone got a snack! |
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| Millie's going to court outfit |
 |
| Millie and Mama |
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| Here she is, right before the sounds of the El put her to sleep |
When we took Millie home, her birth parents had already signed their consent, their rights had been terminated. We were lucky in the sense that both the birth mother and birth father were there on that day, so we didn't need to worry about an unknown birth father being located or coming forward. If for some reason, the birth father wasn't there or was unknown, he would have thirty days to check the punitive birth father registry (in which Millie had been entered) and to come forward. If that doesn't happen within thirty days of placement, then the adoptive family goes to court to officially begin the adoption finalization. (My Uncle happened to be out of town thirty days after placement, so we went on Thursday to begin this process). Now, Millie is technically in the custody of our adoption agency. We continue to have monthly post-adoption visits from the agency and as long as they don't have any reason to think we are unfit, then our adoption will be finalized on August 1st, six months after the date of placement. That, is at least what I understand this process to be.
The only time that we every go to court is for the start of the finalization (that was on Thursday). It seems to be very much a formality, so there was no reason to be nervous and nothing was really being decided on that day. Instead, it was more of a way to mark the start of the legal process and a way to acknowledge that the finalization has begun.
So after meeting with my Uncle, we walked over to the courthouse, waited through the security line, and headed upstairs to where the court room was. We fed Millie another bottle up there, in hopes that she would remain happy in the courtroom. As we were feeding her, my mom, dad and sister met us to join in the big day. It was so so nice to have our family there with us. We all spent a few more minutes waiting in the hallway, which had a lovely view of the city. Of course, we used the time to take more pictures.
 |
| Millie and Mommy waiting for our moment in court |
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| Waiting to be called into the court room |
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| Millie and her Granny G having some fun while waiting |
I thought that maybe I would get nervous. I never did. I thought that maybe our court appearance would feel momentous and huge. It never did. I thought that maybe things would feel different once we walked out of the courtroom. They didn't. Carla and I both came to accept that while our appearance in court was necessary and we were glad it was over and that things could now progress towards finalization, it wasn't going to change how we felt about being a family. It didn't make us feel any more like Millie's parents. That had already happened. What made us feel like her parents is when we held her through the night when she was sick. What made us feel like her parents were the times she was crying and we were able to make her feel better. What made us feel like her parents were the times we got to watch her do new things and took pride in ability to do things like smile and laugh and make new sounds. Those are the moments that felt momentous. Those are the moments that solidified our bonds as a family. Those are the moments when we felt our lives changing forever. Going to court, paled in comparison to those moments.
So after we were done, we spent a bit more time with the family and then we packed up and headed home. We made a quick stop at Babies R Us where we picked up more diapers and formula and a few new outfits. And again, we realized that this is what made us a family. Knowing what kind of diapers Millie wears and how much formula she drinks, those are what proves to us that we are her parents. Knowing that we should bring a bottle into the store for her to eat because we could tell she was getting hungry and knew she would start crying in the store, that is all the proof we need that we are Millie's parents and that we are her family.
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| Back at home, everyone in pajamas and Millie and Mama are delighting in the fish tank. |
Saturday, April 13, 2013
If only they knew, then they would know...
Sometimes, I wish that the people who angrily speak out against gay and lesbian families raising children could read the blogs that I read. Because then they might know. They might know the incredibly, unending, bottomless amounts of love that these gay and lesbian families are pouring into creating families. If only they knew how much love was going into creating these families, then they would know the incredible amounts of love that will be going into raising these children. Because families who go through as much as these families have gone through will cherish their children and never do anything to allow harm to come to them. And that just can just never be wrong.
One of the greatest parts of this blog for me has been the access that it has provided me into other families' stories. I have followed these families on their journey's towards becoming parents and in being parents. I have read as they have shared tremendous and great news and I have also read as they have shared difficult and crushing news. And lately the hard news has been overwhelming. And yet, these women (and men, though I must admit that most of the stories I read are those of lesbian headed families) keep on going. These women keep on fighting to create families. These women who have been through heart breaking loss, still have love in their hearts and refuse to give up on the dream of being parents.
Recently, the women over at .breaking into blossom. lost the baby that they had so lovingly been carrying. They have already been through more loss than any one family should have to go through and yet they remain these incredible pillars of strength and inspiration. They have showed so many of us how to raise a child with incredible amounts of pure, pure love and they are examples of kindness that we can all benefit from.
Earlier this year, the women at What Words May Come also lost their second child at four months of pregnancy. And again, they carried on. After the loss of their first child, they took time to regroup, regrow their spirits, find themselves again and then they just kept on going. They have provided this incredible inspiration to so many people and they have more love coursing through their family than most people are lucky enough to find.
And one of the most heartbreaking and beautiful stories I have read comes from In Search of Gaybies. The writer of this blog is so so so very brave to share the emotions that she has shared in such a raw and powerful way. Her blog has given me incredible insight into what it is like to lose a child during pregnancy. And now she is trying again. I am in awe of her strength.
I am in awe of all of these stories and so many other stories as well. I am in awe of the women who live these stories and the strength that they possess. And it makes my blood truly boil to think that there are people out there who somehow think that what these women are doing, that what we are all doing, is wrong. And I think that if the people who have a problem with gay and lesbian couples raising children took the time to learn the lives of these women, they would know that there is everything exactly right with what we are all doing.
If only they knew the loss that they faced and the way they were able to carry on with love, then they would know that these are exactly the kinds of people who should be raising children.
If only they knew that these families were more resilient and more filled with strength than I could ever imagine, then they would know just how perfectly made these families are to have a child.
If only they knew the tests of love and strength that these families have already been through, then they would know that there wasn't anything that these families wouldn't be able to handle.
If only they knew the lessons that we could all learn from these families, then they would know how valuable families led by gay and lesbian couples really are.
If only they knew the power that these families posses to love and nurture a child in the most incredible ways, then they would know what a disgrace it is to ever say anything negative about them or about any of us or to ever ever doubt the love we can provide to our children.
So if only they knew families like us, then they would know how very wrong they were.
One of the greatest parts of this blog for me has been the access that it has provided me into other families' stories. I have followed these families on their journey's towards becoming parents and in being parents. I have read as they have shared tremendous and great news and I have also read as they have shared difficult and crushing news. And lately the hard news has been overwhelming. And yet, these women (and men, though I must admit that most of the stories I read are those of lesbian headed families) keep on going. These women keep on fighting to create families. These women who have been through heart breaking loss, still have love in their hearts and refuse to give up on the dream of being parents.
Recently, the women over at .breaking into blossom. lost the baby that they had so lovingly been carrying. They have already been through more loss than any one family should have to go through and yet they remain these incredible pillars of strength and inspiration. They have showed so many of us how to raise a child with incredible amounts of pure, pure love and they are examples of kindness that we can all benefit from.
Earlier this year, the women at What Words May Come also lost their second child at four months of pregnancy. And again, they carried on. After the loss of their first child, they took time to regroup, regrow their spirits, find themselves again and then they just kept on going. They have provided this incredible inspiration to so many people and they have more love coursing through their family than most people are lucky enough to find.
And one of the most heartbreaking and beautiful stories I have read comes from In Search of Gaybies. The writer of this blog is so so so very brave to share the emotions that she has shared in such a raw and powerful way. Her blog has given me incredible insight into what it is like to lose a child during pregnancy. And now she is trying again. I am in awe of her strength.
I am in awe of all of these stories and so many other stories as well. I am in awe of the women who live these stories and the strength that they possess. And it makes my blood truly boil to think that there are people out there who somehow think that what these women are doing, that what we are all doing, is wrong. And I think that if the people who have a problem with gay and lesbian couples raising children took the time to learn the lives of these women, they would know that there is everything exactly right with what we are all doing.
If only they knew the loss that they faced and the way they were able to carry on with love, then they would know that these are exactly the kinds of people who should be raising children.
If only they knew that these families were more resilient and more filled with strength than I could ever imagine, then they would know just how perfectly made these families are to have a child.
If only they knew the tests of love and strength that these families have already been through, then they would know that there wasn't anything that these families wouldn't be able to handle.
If only they knew the lessons that we could all learn from these families, then they would know how valuable families led by gay and lesbian couples really are.
If only they knew the power that these families posses to love and nurture a child in the most incredible ways, then they would know what a disgrace it is to ever say anything negative about them or about any of us or to ever ever doubt the love we can provide to our children.
So if only they knew families like us, then they would know how very wrong they were.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Just A Happy Baby...
Today, I am overwhelmed by the cuteness of Millie and her happy happy ways. So today, I will simply share a video...
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